Blaster

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

This one is for Leora... One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop. About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?" The guy says "30 bucks" "And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady. Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white" So she takes the black one and leaves. A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?" The man responds "30 bucks" She asks "And how much for your black dildos?" "30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man. So she takes the white one leaves. About an hour later a Leora walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?" The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks" Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?" The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250" The Leora agrees and takes it. Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?" The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!"

There was a couple who were married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset, and screams, "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,"What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

About a month after God created Adam and Eve, he decides to stop by the Garden to see how they are doing. He comes upon Adam and asks "How are thing going with you and Eve." Adam replies, "Well, everything was going just great until a few days ago. Then Eve started getting moody and cranky. She hasn't been very cooperative and neither of us understands why. Now this morning she woke up to find blood all over her legs." God asks "Where is Eve? I need to talk to her." Adam replies "She went down to the river to get cleaned up." God replies "Oh no! I'll never get that smell out of the fish."

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy." The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?" "No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt

A woman hears a knock on her door. "Who is it?" "I'm a vampire!" "What do you want?" "I want BLOOD!" "Come back on the 27th"

If ain't a Harley it ain't worth riding....

Leora & Zoya Because they need a real man

True Story....... I walk into a bar and sees a donkey. I ask the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So the I whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So I turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked me how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? I said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, than I showed him.

This just for the proud Texan but we know him as toolmaker123... Dumb Texas Laws When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times. It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers. It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. It is illegal to milk another person's cow. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

A man brings his alligator into the bar . . . The bartender says "Hey you can't bring that thing in here!" The man calmly assures him that the alligator is not be feared. However, expectedly, the bartender doesn't believe him. So, to prove it, the man decides to perform a practiced stunt in front of the bar. "This alligator is so well trained" he says "I bet you I can put my penis in its mouth for fifteen seconds and come out unharmed." The bar people look around in disbelief. The man proceeds to tap the alligator's mouth signaling it to open, place his unsheathed penis gently on the lower jaw, count slowly to fifteen, remove his penis, and then gently tap the alligator's mouth again signaling it to close. The bar people look at each other in incredulity as the man actually performed the stunt with success! Applause fills the room. The man, basking in the glory, exultantly exclaims "Anybody else in here wanna try that?" After a short pause, the gay man at the end of the bar stands up and says "I'll try it but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open for fifteen seconds!"

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China? A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides. Q: What do you call a Chinese Billionaire? A: Cha Ching! Q: How does every Chinese joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder. Q: Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo? A: It was Panda-monium. Q: What has 2 wings and a halo? A: A Chinese telephone, Wing-wing, halo?

He was enlarging on the dangers of modern foods, and with a dramatic gesture he pointed a finger at a harassed-looking inoffensive listener: “What is it we all eat at some time or other, yet it’s the worst thing in the world for us? Do you know?†It appeared the little man did know, for he replied in a husky whisper: “Wedding Cake.â€â€”Cooper’s Store News.

Is it in.....

Ever since Bill & Monica ......

Only when his pussy is bleeding....

Talking About Nelly....

Say hell yeah if you agree....

If want to see someone choke their chicken I'll go to a farm....

Hell yeah..... With no premium camera hiding spots....

Congrats... Here's to next thousand....