skippy

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So, the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?" "The hen lays eggs," replies the little girl. "Very good," says the farmer. Then the farmer asks another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?" "Well," replies the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day." "Very good," exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
 
                   "Yes, I do," replies little Johnny from the city. "The bulls smile when you milk them." 

YA fergot the string

sorry i dont know any thing about cricket lol

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability." 

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. 

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. 

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. 

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left in here?
 
                                           Oh yes, 'multiple orgasms' . . ." 

I keep seeing these commercials saying that i can win a fortune if i get injured at work.
 
I'm not falling for that one.

I only get gift vouchers that are expired; lottery tickets already scratched off and complimentary dinners vouchers for foods I dislike.

And following on from what Scotman said above, i've actually seen a packet of peanuts that says on it "Warning - may contain nuts"

About a month after God created Adam and Eve, he decides to stop by the Garden to see how they are doing. He comes upon Adam and asks "How are thing going with you and Eve."

Adam replies, "Well, everything was going just great until a few days ago. Then Eve started getting moody and cranky. She hasn't been very cooperative and neither of us understands why. Now this morning she woke up to find blood all over her legs."

God asks "Where is Eve? I need to talk to her."

Adam replies "She went down to the river to get cleaned up."

God replies "Oh no! I'll never get that smell out of the fish."

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,"What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

If you get a hand job from someone that speaks sign language is it considered a blow job?
 
 
   One day, a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
   The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
    The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
    After supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub.
    She yells to her husband, "Hey, there's only an inch of water in the tub!"
 
                               "Yeah," the husband replies. "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet." 

does any one agree give her an app with her b/f ..or even give her one with a freind?
 
she is the back bone of that app is there anybody that can honestly say they go to this app to see laurel and hardy. it makes me cringe to see them preforming together.i am beginning to think maybe s/bonnie i s the sister of c/ or /s which would explain why she has been there so long.if rlc gave her and ? an app maybe she would give up her part time job and entertain all us rlcf instead ... one can only dream lol 

i thought i saw stepans name on a loaf of bread today
 
then i noticed it said thick cut
 
i have got to go to a schizophrenic meeting tomorrow. but i,m in two minds if i should go or not.

Actual Label Instructions 
  In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products: 

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. 

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 

11. On a bag of Frito's - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special?!?) 

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?) 

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!) 

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) 

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) 

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what?...use in outer space?) 

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.) 

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) 

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) 

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) 

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) 

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. ( OK lets eat it frozen!!!) 

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD. 

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.(Kids no more driving) 

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!) 
 
27. On a stroller: Do Not fold with child inside.

True Story.......
 
I walk into a bar and sees a donkey. I ask the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So the I whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So I turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked me how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? I said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, than I showed him. 

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. 

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" 

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track." 

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. 

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom. 

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. 

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." 

"What if the phone was busy?" 

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". 

"What if that had been vandalized?" 

"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo." 

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" 

                  "Cause he ain't  never seen a train wreck."... 
 

I have a buddy stationed in Yuma, AZ. He sent me this. 

Living in Yuma, Arizona, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT . 

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. 

Here's the hat: 

 


It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles. It saved me 5 hours. 

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. 

If you live in Texas , it might cut your wait time at the grocery store. 

But...don't try it at McDonald's… 
 
                              The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order! 

Dumb Warnings.    - Dog Tablets:  May cause drowsiness take care when operating car or machinery.
 
                                - First Birthday card: Not suitable for children under 3yrs due to small parts. 
 
                                - Hairdryer: Do not use when sleeping.
 
                                - Iron: WARNING  never iron clothes on body!
 
                                Wtf is the world coming to lol 

A man goes into a bar for a drink. In the corner, he sees someone with a giant orange head, literally twice the size of a normal one, all glowing orange. Intrigued, he sits down at the table next to him.
 
He eventually plucks up the courage to ask, "Pardon me, but do you mind if i ask something?"
 
"Don't tell me  - It's about this" he replied, pointing to his head.
 
"Yes, er...."
 
"It's ok, i get it a lot. I'll tell you"
 
The man moves over to the same table. "It's the wildest tale. You ready? Last year, i went on holiday, and as i walked down a beach late at night, i saw a lamp sticking out of the sand, just like in the fairy tale. So i thought, i have to rub it, so i did, and a genie appeared!"
 
The man was astonished. "No way, really?"
 
"Yep, there he was. He granted me three wishes as well"
 
"What did you ask for then?"
 
"Well, the first was to be a multi millionaire. See that gold Rolls Royce outside? That's mine. See this solid gold watch? Worth half a million"
 
The man was astonished. "Wow, that's amazing"
 
"I know, it gets better. My second wish was to have the perfect woman. This is my wife coming in now". He looks up to see THE most beautiful woman.
 
"You are so so lucky!!"
 
"You bet i am!". The man was intrigued, this was the greatest story he'd ever heard. "So, go on!"
 
"What about?"
 
"What was the last wish"
 
"Oh, i asked him could i have a massive orange head".

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. 
"They're mating," her father replied. 
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. 
"Daddy Longlegs" the father replied 
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. 
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." 
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, 
"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in my garden." 

Redneck Sex Test 

1. The clitoris is a type of flower. 
True or False 

2. A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit. 
True or False 

3. A Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. 
True or False 

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. 
True or False 

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. 
True or False 

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. 
True or False 

7. Semen is a term for sailors. 
True or False 

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. 
True or False 

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. 
True or False 

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. 
True or False 

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. 
True or False 

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. 
True or False 

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. 
True or False 

14. Foetus is a character on Gunsmoke. 
True or False 

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. 
True or False 

16. A condom is a large apartment complex. 
True or False 

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. 
True or False 

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. 
True or False 

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. 
True or False 

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. 
True or False 

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. 
True or False 

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. 
True or False 

23. Pornography is the business of making records. 
True or False 

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. 
True or False 

25. Oral Sex is when you sit and talk dirty to each other. 
True or False 

This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year 
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" 
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. 
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" 
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and began walked out of class. 
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... 
Totally straight-faced he answered her question,
 
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

A man brings his alligator into the bar . . .
The bartender says "Hey you can't bring that thing in here!"
The man calmly assures him that the alligator is not be feared. However, expectedly, the bartender doesn't believe him.
So, to prove it, the man decides to perform a practiced stunt in front of the bar. "This alligator is so well trained" he says "I bet you I can put my penis in its mouth for fifteen seconds and come out unharmed." The bar people look around in disbelief.
The man proceeds to tap the alligator's mouth signaling it to open, place his unsheathed penis gently on the lower jaw, count slowly to fifteen, remove his penis, and then gently tap the alligator's mouth again signaling it to close.
The bar people look at each other in incredulity as the man actually performed the stunt with success! Applause fills the room.
The man, basking in the glory, exultantly exclaims "Anybody else in here wanna try that?"
After a short pause, the gay man at the end of the bar stands up and says "I'll try it but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open for fifteen seconds!"

Two blondes are talking " did you know that christmas will be on friday this year?"       "Oh hell, not friday the 13th i hope!"

A couple goes for dinner at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise."

 

    The waiter brings the dish, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot slowly rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 

        "Hey, did you see that?" she asks her husband.



He hadn't, so she tells him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid slowly rises, and he sees two little beady eyes looking around before it slams back down.

Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!

"If you prease, sir,"    says the waiter,   "what you order?"

The husband replies, "We ordered the Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so solly, my mistake" says the waiter, "I blinged you the Peeking Duck."

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
 His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
    Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild and crazy when you were young?"
   Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was about your age and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and fucked a parrot....
                                  I thought you might be my son.''