box_hunter

wife-makes-a-good-point.mp4

Three men, one American, one Mexican, and one Chinese, were hiking an unknown mountain.
They suddenly discovered a big cave. So they each decided to test its echo.
The American man shouted his name: "John"
The echo replied: " John"
The Mexican man shouted his name: "Carlito"
The echo replied: "Carlito"
The Chinese man shouted his name: "Ching Chong Lao Song"
The echo replied: "What?"

A man wakes up in Hospital in Australia bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on.
"You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".
The man perks up.

"So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day "So, have you spoken with your wife?"  "Yes I have" says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite kitchen bench tops".

I walked in the pub with my missus and the barman said "Punching above your weight aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "Thailand. We're getting married". "You don't want to get married, that's when the blowjobs stop". "I don't mind that; I hate giving her them anyway!"

A blonde was touring a farm and asked the farmer "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns" began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse".

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife: "What would you do if I won the Lotto?" "I'd take half and leave you" she says. "Great" he says. "Here's your $6. Pack your bags and FUCK OFF!"

I recently got kicked out of the 9th Annual Conference on Gender-Fluidity and Transgender Sensitivity after using the "F-word" during a conversation with one of the presenters. No, no, not 'fuck'... 'female'.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"...
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes".
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much".
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked".
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000". ;
MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options".
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janine and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.5M for it".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $1.4. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go an extra $50k if it's what you really want".
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too".
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today, 1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"...
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes".
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much".
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked".
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000". ;
MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options".
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janine and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.5M for it".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $1.4. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go an extra $50k if it's what you really want".
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too".
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"...
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes".
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much".
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked".
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000". ;
MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options".
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janine and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.5M for it".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $1.4. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go an extra $50k if it's what you really want".
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too".
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

I recently got kicked out of the 9th Annual Conference on Gender-Fluidity and Transgender Sensitivity after using the "F-word" during a conversation with one of the presenters. No, no, not 'fuck'... 'female'.

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife: "What would you do if I won the Lotto?" "I'd take half and leave you" she says. "Great" he says. "Here's your $6. Pack your bags and FUCK OFF!"

A blonde was touring a farm and asked the farmer "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns" began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse".

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today, 1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"...
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes".
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much".
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked".
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000". ;
MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options".
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janine and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.5M for it".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $1.4. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go an extra $50k if it's what you really want".
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too".
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

What, Exactly, are cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

I was in the pub a few months ago when these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us!

Yep that looks very safe!!