mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. delta10 1
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!" delta10 1
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can get free drinks for the rest of the night." The man walks over, says something to the horse, it laughs, and he walks back over to the bar to collect his free drinks. The next night, the man goes back to the bar and the bartender asks the man if he can make the horse cry. The man walks over, does something to the horse, and it starts to cry. The bartender asks, "How did you make it cry?" The man replies, "Well, to make the horse laugh last night I told it I had a bigger dick and to make it cry tonight I showed it."
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream. Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak. He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 There once was a man named Sweeney. He spilled some gin on his weenie. That being uncouth, He dipped it in vermouth, And slipped his wife a dry martini.
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 There was a young rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to the congregation that he will be leaving for a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a silence. No one wants him to leave. Cohen, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new BMW every year, and his lovely wife with a Range Rover, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs and applauds. Feinstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands up and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a college fund to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and applause. Old Mrs. Horowitz, aged 96, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I will have sex with him!" There is a silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Horowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Horowitz answers, "I just asked Mr. Horowitz what we could do to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Horowitz said,"F*ck the rabbi."
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 A man comes home early from work and shouts, "Honey, I'm home!" No reply. So he goes upstairs and calls from the landing, "Honey, I am home," but still no reply. Frustrated, he goes into the bedroom and finds his wife on the bed, stark naked. "Oh Norman, I didn't expect you this early," she says, holding her chest and breathing heavily. He thinks she is having an heart attack and runs downstairs to ring for an ambulance. He starts dialing the emergency number when his young daughter starts pulling at his jacket. "Dad," she says. "Dad," she says again. "What is it? I'm busy," he says. "Uncle Jack is in the wardrobe with no clothes on," she tells him. He drops the phone and runs back to the bedroom. "You bastard, you f**king bastard," he shouts angrily at Norman. "You bastard! My wife is having a heart attack and you are going around scaring the kids!"
mikeusa Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?" His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy" He then asked, "How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy." Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?" Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sex.
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