Scotsman84 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says " I need a piss " and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says " Have you changed sex? " Mary says " No, I changed my mind, I am having a shit! " Max 2017, toolmaker123 and King Hamlet 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 I asked my new girlfriend how many sexual partners she's had... She started counting and fell asleep. Max 2017 and Scotsman84 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 An American Patriot is riding his Harley by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican. The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH ...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighbourhood. " How often do you have sex with your wife? " asked the inquirer. " Three times, " Jeff said without hesitation. " That is once more often than your neighbour, " the inquirer said, writing. " That makes sense, " Jeff said, " after all, she's my wife. " toolmaker123, King Hamlet and Max 2017 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 man received the following text from his neighbor: “I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.” The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘WiFi’’. Scotsman84 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Golf: The only sport where foursomes are encouraged, you can show off your wood, you can wash your balls in public, and it's OK to have a stiff shaft. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from her bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. " What's up? " she asks. " I'm having a heart attack, " cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four year old son comes up and says " Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she has no clothes on! " The blond slams the phone down and storms into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. " You rotten Bitch ", she screams. " My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids! " King Hamlet, Max 2017 and toolmaker123 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 I went to a job interview the other day They asked me, "What do you think is your biggest weakness?" "I'm too honest", I replied. "I think we'd like that", the interviewer told me. "I don't give a fuck what you think.", I told him. Scotsman84, King Hamlet and Max 2017 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Johnny asks his Grandpa. " Do you still have sex with Granny? " Grandpa says: " Yes, but only oral. " Johnny asks: " What is oral? " Grandpa says: " I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too. " Max 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 12 condoms for 99-cents at the dollar store Because you just can't put a price on peace of mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits. CowArt, Scotsman84 and Max 2017 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 10% of the woman had sex within the first hour of their first date. 20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place. 36% of the woman favour nudity. 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes. 46% of the women experienced anal sex. 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning. 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations. 90% of the women would like to have sex in the woods. 90% of the women have never experience sex in the office. Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange women in the woods than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it! toolmaker123, amar and Max 2017 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Patient prep for a proctology exam Dinner at Taco Bell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at her husband: " That's not true! I do enjoy sex! " Then, turning to the counsellor, she explained: " But this animal expects it four or five times a year! " Max 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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