My wife ordered me to go to my doctor to
 

get those little pills that 'help' me get an erection.

You should have seen the look on her face when I came home and handed her some diet pills.

I'm still looking for a place to stay.

What do hurricanes and women have in common?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

1 minute ago, Scotsman84 said:

What do hurricanes and women have in common?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

What do an Arkansas divorce and a Texas tornado have in common?

Someone's gonna lose a house trailer

A man asks his wife: " Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time. "

His wife replies: " You have bigger willy than your brother! "

Trump calls India's Prime Minister and finds out 
 

that all calls are recorded to ensure quality customer service 

Scotsman, define Optimism

 

OPTIMISM IS GOING AFTER MOBY DICK IN A ROWBOAT AND TAKING THE TARTAR SAUCE WITH YOU. 

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honourable sir,

You leave house.

I watch house.

He come to house. I watch.

He and she leave house. I follow.

He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.

I look in window.

He kiss she, she kiss he.

He strip she, she strip he.

He play with she, she play with he.

I play with me, I fall out tree.

I not see.

No Fee, Chen Lee.

SCOTSMAN had been feeling down for a very long time 
 

So he finally decided to seek the aid of a 
psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the 

profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel 
better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his 
face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, 
"Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common 
among lifelong losers." 

What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

An optimist created the airplane: a pessimist created the seat belts.

What is the difference between @toolmaker123 and Bigfoot?

One is covered in matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

Just now, Scotsman84 said:

What is the difference between @toolmaker123 and Bigfoot?

One is covered in matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

Bigfoot is a truck

1 minute ago, toolmaker123 said:

Bigfoot is a truck

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Big Foot.. Lol