need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

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[Scotsman84]

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[box_hunter]

Man say to his wife: "I have a problem at work..." Wife: "Hun, now that we're married, you don't say you have a problem you say we have a problem". Man: "Okay, we've knocked up our secretary..."

[box_hunter]

I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I changed my Facebook status: "I can't wait to get to Las Vegas and spend all my money on the sluts". My wife commented "You spelt 'slots' wrong. Silly xxx". That's why I married a blonde.

[box_hunter]

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he asks nervously. "No, silly" she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then...?" "No, not at all" she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so sexy when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is it then!?" he demands. She gently whispers in his ear "That use to be me..."

[box_hunter]

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in three words". The guy replies "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly "Paint... my... house".

[box_hunter]

FACTS ABOUT SEX

-About 33% of Americans get injured during sex. Injuries include bruises, pulled muscles, sprained ankles, and carpet burns.
-Don't hold your breath during sex: the more oxygen that gets to your genitals, the more aroused you'll be.
-Fourteen per cent of women have experienced a "zone orgasm" which happens when a part of the body other than the boobs or vagina is stimulated.
-Morning wood isn't because guys want sex. Blood flows to his penis when he's asleep, causing an erection.
-Penises used to have spines. Luckily, they evolved out before Neanderthals and modern humans diverged.
-You don't need your brain to ejaculate. The order to ejaculate comes from the spinal cord, not the brain.
-You're most likely to get distracted during sex at the two- to three-minute mark.
-Women who are prone to migraines are should have more sex. Why? Because orgasms can help alleviate the pain of a migraine. 
-During World War I, members of the British Secret Intelligence Service (MI6) discovered you could use semen as invisible ink. They stopped using it after they realised how badly it smelled when it got old.
-Sprinkling salt on your tongue before oral may help lessen your gag reflex.
-When you are aroused and prepped for sexual intercourse, you are actually less likely to be grossed out by anything that happens.
-The nerve endings in the clitoris extend out to where the pubic hair grows, which is why grinding (dry humping) feels so good.
- Want the ultimate orgasm? Abstain from any sexual activity at all for three weeks. That's the amount of time it takes for your testosterone levels to peak and boost your libido.
-Orgasms, along with sneezes, cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started because they are physiological responses to an event.
-There's an average of 280 million sperm in every male ejaculation. It's the exact same number for rabbits.
 

[box_hunter]

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says "Open the vault, bitch!" The woman says "Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here!" The man says "Open the vault RIGHT NOW or I'm going to blow your fucking head off!!"

She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said "Take out one of those jars". The woman says "Please sir, I promise you we don't have any money here. This is a sperm bank". The man said "Take out one of those jars right now or I'll blow your fucking head off'.

The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said "Take lid off and swallow it". She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying "Sir, this is sperm. Please, I'm not drinking sperm. We don't have any money here. Please leave". The man says "Take the lid off and drink it or I'll blow your fucking head off!"

So the woman takes off the lid and downs it no problem, then turns to look back at the man. To her amazement he whips off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said "See! It's not that fucking difficult is it?!"

[box_hunter]

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects" the medic said "I could give it a try".

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans" The physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!".

[Bobbil]

On 02/06/2016 at 5:24 AM, toolmaker123 said:

Texas isn’t alone… from the 

:

 

The UK’s top 10 most ridiculous British laws were listed as:

 

 

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down
3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned
5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour
10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
11.  

 

11. It is illegal to drive to church on Christmas day.

[Scotsman84]

Can't Get The Staff.. lol

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[Scotsman84]

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[Scotsman84]

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[Scotsman84]

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[Scotsman84]

LOL

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