need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

Q. How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?

A. Pull some strings.

 

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch.

 

Q. What does a 75yr old woman have between her breasts that a 25yr old doesn't?

A. Her Navel. 

 

Q. What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A. A rabbi cuts them off, A priest sucks them off.

[Scotsman84]

Q. Why did Hitler commit suicide? 

A. He got the gas bill.    

Q. What do priests and Mcdonalds have in common?

A. They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What is the difference between oooooooh and aaaaaah?

A. About 3 inches.                   

[Scotsman84]

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A. Wiped his ass.

 

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A. A lickalotopis.

 

Q. What do hockey players and surrey girls have in common?

A. They both only change their pads after every third period!

 

 

[Scotsman84]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall....

 

The owner asks the clerk, " What's with that guy over there by the wall? " The clerk says, " Well, he came in here this morning for his cough.

 

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives! "

 

" You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxitives! "  "Oh Yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough! "

[Scotsman84]

Q. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

A. You can unscrew a lightbulb.

 

Q. What do a Penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?

A. The more you play with it, the harder it gets

 

Q. Why do walruses love a Tupperware Party?

A. They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.

 

Q. What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeking tom?

A. One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

 

Q. What's the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

A. Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.

 

Q. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

A. Just-in!

 

Q. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

A. Phil!

[Max 2017]

1. What does the sign of a out-of-business brothel say?  Beat it. We're closed. 2. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?  For fingering a minor.

3. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?  Because his wife died. 3. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?  They both irritate the shit out of you.

4. What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?  Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

 

[Max 2017]

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mum that he needs Viagra. His mum asks, "Why on earth do you need that?!"

The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his shit doesn't get hard?"

[Max 2017]

A guy and his wife are watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, "This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!" "Good, " replied his wife. " Now you know how I always feel. "

 

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

[Max 2017]

While talking to a girl:

" Hey, I heard an interesting stat of the day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do? "

" No, what?"

" Yeah, I figured you were in the first group. "

 

Dad: " Hey son, if you keep masturbating you're going to go blind."

Son: " Dad I'm over here."

[Max 2017]

A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked.

" You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says.

" Why?" asks the man. " Is it going to make me go blind? "

The optometrist looks around and says " no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable. "

 

Q. When is the only time a guy can multi-task?

A. When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time....

 

" Mr. Ben, I am asking for your daughter's hand. "

" Why? I don't get it, don't you have a hand? "

" I do sir, but I'm sick and tired with my own hand sir! "

[Scotsman84]

An American and a Ukrainian infront of the urinals. The American pulls out his cock and says proudly to the Ukrainian: Buffalo Bill!

The Ukrainian pulls out three enormous cocks and says: Chernobyl! 

 

How do you know your girlfriend is too young for you?  You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth..

 

Little Miss Muffet,, wanked on her tuffet, with the dildo the size of her arm. Along came a nigger, with a cock much bigger. And did her some permanent harm.

[Scotsman84]

After a motorway pile up the rescue services approach a car with the man in the front seat. The man is screaming and shouting. In an attempt to calm the situation one of the rescue staff says " Calm down, it could be worse. Your wife, for example, was thrown out of the front windscreen and on to the road. " The man replies " Yeah! But did you see what she had in her fucking mouth?! "

[box_hunter]

A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper said "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The driver looked at the trooper and said "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat?" The trooper said. "Yes". "That's my wife" the driver said to the trooper. "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat?" The trooper said "Yes". "That's my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up!!" The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.

[box_hunter]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models". The old lady then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds "Yes we do". She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

[box_hunter]

My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied with a laugh. "No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open"