need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[box_hunter]

My favorite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

[box_hunter]

SOME THOUGHTS ON GETTING OLDER

-I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

-Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? My sense of decency.

-I consider 'on trend' to be the clothes that still fit.

-Pulling n 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

-Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

-I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

-The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

-My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

-When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

-The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it".

-Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

-Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

-These days "on time" is when I get there.

-I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

-'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

-Even duct tape can't fix stupid. but it sure does muffle the sound.

-You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

-Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

-One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

-You're more likely to get cautioned by the doctor instead of by the police.

-Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

-One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

-'Getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

-I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

-When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

-Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me - I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

- Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

-I thought growing old would take longer.

-Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

-I still haven't learned to act my age.

-You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

-I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

[Max 2017]

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings bought me one of those mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead

I've invented a new game. You get a group of Pikeys and lock them in a cellar for a month without any food. It's called Hungry Hungry Gyppos.

My wife left me a week last Monday She said she was going for a bottle of milk and I've not seen her since. Everyone keeps asking if I am managing ok, but i'll be fine, I found some of that powdered stuff in the back of the cupboard.

[Max 2017]

For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: Being kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth. So how can we reach an answer? Well put it this way. About a year after a couple's first child, a woman will say " Lets have another baby " But I challenge you to find a man, who one year on, will turn to his mate and say

" Tell you what, Dave... kick me in the bollocks again.

[Max 2017]

One time you had to pull a womans knickers down to see her arse. These days you have to open her arse to see her knickers..

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. " Since when do you wear womens pants? "

"Since my wife found them in my glove compartment!"

 

I feel sorry for Kerry Katona and her bankruptcy. I know how she feels as I was made bankrupt last week. I never stood a chance, my opponent had hotels on Park Lane and Mayfair and houses on Bond Street, Oxford Street and Regent Street.

[Max 2017]

Kerry Katona has been awarded substantial damages over newspaper claims she worked as a prostitute before she was famous. Summing up,

the judge said, " This story was clearly untrue. Who on earth would pay to fuck that fat bitch? "

 

How was the Grand Canyon formed? A Scotsman lost a tenner down a rabbit hole.

 

I helped an old lady across the road this morning.. but did her old man a favour and left him on the other side.

 

An old man is kneeling by the bed. His wife says, " What are you praying for? " He replies, " Guidance. " She says, " Pray for stiffness, I'll fucking guide it in myself!"

[Max 2017]

Stephen Hawkins had a hot date last night.. She stood him up.. And he immediately fell on the floor.

 

Stephen Hawkins has written a new book: Around the house in eighty days.

 

My girlfriend said she wanted to make me happy in the bedroom. So now the bedroom has Sky Sports, A Fridge full of beer and she sleeps on the couch.

 

I see there is a big football match on tonight Russia v Sweden. Apparantly it's got citizens from both nations totally gripped.

Which would explain why most of London's prostitutes have taken the night off...

 

[Max 2017]

1 can of petrol,  202 gas bottles,  42.501 Cherokee jeep,  2000 watching two terrorists burn alive.... Priceless

 

One of the Glasgow terror suspects has died from his injuries. His condition has been described as satisfactory.

 

Police have named the suspect in Glasgow airport bombing as Singe Majeep.

[Max 2017]

Two old woman are sitting in a café. Margaret says to Ethel, " Did you come on the bus? " Ethel replies, " Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack. "

 

I've tried to help childless couples by making anonymous donations of my sperm. However, I've been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and not straight through their letterboxes.

 

A bloke pulls a Chinese lass at a club. She says, " me so horny, me do anything for you. " Bloke says, " how about a 69? " She says, " you fuck off, me no cooking at this time of night! "

[Scotsman84]

Paddy says to Mick, " I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond Films has split her fanny open!" Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?" "Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"

A father is sitting watching Star Wars with his two young sons. During an exciting scene, the kids are jumping around and they say to their father, "Daddy! Daddy! we wish we were shot into space!" The father replies, "You would have been if I had not been so pissed."

What do Kermit the Frog and Craig Meehan have in common? They both enjoy fucking pigs.

 

[Scotsman84]

Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Michael Jackson. Jacko has denied the allegations as he claims he was in Brooklyn at the time.

Half of relationships end because of bad sex. Mine however ended because of good sex... with another woman.

 

[Max 2017]

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.

The first one said, "I wanna be a plumber." He replied, "So i can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said, " I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, " So I can get some lights in here, it's dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, " Why in god's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He r   

[Max 2017]

He replied, " So," he said proudly, " I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

[Scotsman84]

7 year old Joseph visited his grandparents home along with his mum and dad. One night, when the family sat to eat dinner, Joseph began chomping on a roll without offering the prayer. Upset his mother, Laura, angrily reminded him that he needed to pray before eating food. The young lad replied, " Granny knows how to cook. We don't need to pray! "

 

A boy asks his granny, " Have you seen my pills container that was labelled L$D?

The grandma then replies, " Fuck your pills container, I have lost my pet dragon in the kitchen. Have you seen it? "

[box_hunter]

What is the difference between Russia and reality? Trump has connections with Russia.