"It's about time I told you an important thing" I said to my 15 year old son. "What is it dad?" he asked. "You were adopted" I murmured. "That's impossible!" he exclaimed "We look the same". "Well" I replied "That's because we are fucking Chinese".

Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's".

I was in a pub last night and there was this fat bird dancing on one of the tables. "Nice legs!" I said, to which she replied with a shy smile "Really? Thank you so much!" To which I said "Yeah, any other table's legs would have snapped or collapsed by now".

I was in a pub recently and I told that joke about what to do when an epileptic has a fit in a bath - throw the washing in. Well, everyone pretty much cracked up, except this one guy, who said his brother was an epileptic and died in a bathtub. Feeling pretty bad about the joke I just told, I said "Geez, I'm so sorry mate, how did he die?" To which the guy answered "He choked to death on a sock".

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days

I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

 

My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house.

 

Man to his priest: "Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl."

The priest: " Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once."

Man: "And that frees me from my sin?"

Priest: "No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin."

Men 1945: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.

 

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,“Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?” “Sorry sir,” the owner responds, “but, we're all full.” “Aw, please I really need some poon tang!” And the owner awnswers, “Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom.” “Whatever,” the man answers quickly and races upstairs.
A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?” And the owner answers, “Respect for the dead.”

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in india, a man doesn't know his wife until her marries.

Father: That happens everywhere son, everywhere!

 

Q: What is the ideal marriage?

A: One between a deaf man and a blind woman.

 

 

Q: What's worse than walking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

A: Finding out it was traced.

 

Q: What's green and smells like pork?

A: Kermit the frog's finger

 

Q: What's the best thing about dating homeless chicks?

A: You can drop them off anywhere.

 

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?

A: Good morning ladies.

When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting -- 'No, man, I've got to go home.'