A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

My teenage daughter came home from school in a rage.

" I've just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I had sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: " Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will. "

As an Airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, " If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. "

She removes all her clothes and asks, " Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman. "

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, " Here, iron this! "

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it, "she said, furious. "You better had good explanation."

"Calm down, honey," The man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" He complained.

"Your dog called last night."

Golf rules for beginners:

1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2) Form a loose grip.

3) Keep your head down.

4) Avoid a quick back swing.

5) Stay out of the water.

6) Try not to hit anyone.

7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

 Don't stand directly in front of others.

9) Quiet please... While others are preparing to go.

10) Don't take extra strokes.

 

Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

17 hours ago, mikeusa said:

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

Naughty grandma.

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."

So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"

The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"

So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.

So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."

"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."

"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '

Three woman are at work, and their female boss is leaving early for the day. The brunette also suggests to leave early as there boss will not notice. So that afternoon, they all leave early.

One spends time with her son and enjoys her time off.

The redhead does her gardening and has an early night.

The blonde goes home and hears sounds in her bedroom, she walks upstairs quietly opens her bedroom door and finds her boss in bed with her hubby, shuts the door and leaves the house.

The next day, the brunette goes on asking: " Shall we leave early again today?" The blonde says: " No way I nearly got caught!"

A husband pinches his wifes bum and says: " Do you know if you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle?"

The wife annoyed, decided to bite her tongue and say nothing.

Later that night in bed, the husband squeezed her tits and said: " Do you know, if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra? "

Absolutely fuming, the wife reached over and grabbed his dick and said: " Well do you know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the milk man and your fucking brother?"

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife. He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said.... ** Take one pill for a great night **. The man thought I want a stupendous night: so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbours came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying. " What's wrong? " they said.

" Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, My backside hurts, and Dad's in the basement yelling: Here Kitty Kitty...."

Love this very funny everyone

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.

After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.

She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?

She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"