A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

I can't believe I made it anywhere creatively, though, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents. Nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household. If you have kids, sh*t on their dreams a little bit.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

Little April was not the best student in sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, " IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE! "

The teacher fainted.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,

"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

Someone asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently, " in HD " wasn't the correct answer. 

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?

100 people that don't do dick!

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror...

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment. "

The husband replies, " Your eyesights damn near perfect. "

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, respect her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

 

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN.

Arrive naked... with beer.  

Beer bottle: You break me, you get 1 year bad luck!

Mirror: You kidding me? You break me, then you'll get 7 years bad luck.

* Condom walks in laughing "

Best way to answer the phone:

" Jack's whore house, you got the doe we got the hoe, how may I help you? "

A blonde drops off a dress to the dry cleaners.

The little Asian lady says " Come again!"

The blonde says, " No, it's toothpaste this time. "