need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

Women are supposed to be like butterflies, beautiful and hard to catch. But most of you are like mosquitos, annoying and easy to smash.

[Scotsman84]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was in there, the husband tells his wife: " Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!

He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong. honey. I love you. "

To which his wife responds: " He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too! "

[Lisa]

15 hours ago, Scotsman84 said:

Women are supposed to be like butterflies, beautiful and hard to catch. But most of you are like mosquitos, annoying and easy to smash.

Not all of us. 

[Max 2017]

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds, dog!

 

Now read without the word dog.

 

 

[Max 2017]

A passenger taps a taxi driver on the shoulder. The driver shits himself with shock, swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window.

" Fuck me, your jumpy aren't ya, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.

" Sorry," says the cabby, " it's my first day, I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years. "

[Max 2017]

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: " Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers: " Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly: " Do we have time? "

[Scotsman84]

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 mins and when I came out, there he was - a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So, I went to him and said: "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote....

But hey, I didn't give a fuck. My car was parked around the corner....

[Max 2017]

A inexperienced guy talks to his friend about his first encounter with a prostitute.

" It was totally crazy. Right when I came she screamed: whip me, bad boy, whip me...! "

" What did you do then?", the friend asked.

" Well, I didn't have a whip so I head banged her. "

[Max 2017]

Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth.

[skippy]

3 hours ago, Max 2017 said:

Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth.

lol dont you mean who,s teeth are shaking with the cold?

[Max 2017]

1 minute ago, skippy said:

lol dont you mean who,s teeth are shaking with the cold?

Yeah makes more sense... lol 

[mikeusa]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[mikeusa]

You ever go into a store, and they're watching you? Watching you. White people stealing stuff -- walking out with couches, refrigerators, TVs -- and all we want is a paper.

[mikeusa]

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you -- I hope she meets somebody nice.

[mikeusa]

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
One hundred people who don't do dick.