A Night's Sleep

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.

The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out woman is actually alive. She lived for another 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, " Watch out for that wall! "

A blonde walked up to a coke machine, put in a pound, and got out a coke. She then put in another pound, and got another coke. Again and again, she put in more pounds and got out more and more cokes. As she was doing this, a man came and stood behind her, he tapped her on the shoulder, and said, " What on earth are you doing? " She replied angrily" Shut up! Can't you see I'm winning?! "

Standing At The Bar At An International Airport..

when this small Chinese guy walks in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, " Do you know any of those martial arts things like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu? " He says " No, why the fuck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese? " " No", I said, " It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick. "

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to piss you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'

411

You're so stupid that you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money. 

 

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

A trip to Thailand?

Wow, that's awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?

Then I pick you up again

A guy tells his friend, " Man I think my wife may be dead... "

Friend: " What?! Why you think that? "

Guy: " Well in bed she's the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy... "

Don't you hate it when you go to somebody's place and they just can't shut up asking you stupid questions like, " What do you want " and " Who are you " and " omg is that a real gun? " 

My neighbour came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants. 

Judge: " Why did you steal the car? "

Man: " I had to get to work. "

Judge: " Why didn't you take the bus? "

Man: I don't have a driver's license for the bus.