need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

Two priests were taking a piss in the urinals one day and one priest looks down and sees a nicotine patch on the other guys penis.

He says, " I'm not a rocket scientist or anything, but isn't that supposed to be on your arm? "

And they other priest says, " Nah, it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day! "

[Scotsman84]

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word " Penis " chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again " Penis ", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.

Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word " Penis " again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.

Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word " Penis " getting bigger.

Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: " See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets! "

[mikeusa]

Old and Broke

A friend of mine just died. He was 84 years old, died broke. At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless.' I don't know -- to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.

[mikeusa]

Mama's Scripture

My mom was the kind that'd send us to church but didn't go... She'd give us scripture and didn't even know it. She just made up books. ''Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.'

[mikeusa]

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

[mikeusa]

At the Bank

You seen white people goin, 'Oh, how ya doin', Bob? Ah, no I.D. with me today. No, I forgot my I.D. Just go ahead --$5,000.' Brothers be at the bank -- he's got his birth certificate, social security card, his lotto tickets, his pictures his kid drew, and they're still over in the back going, 'I don't think that's him. I'll tell you what, give him $28.'

[mikeusa]

60s Rebel Booty Call... Fight

You may be a square, baby, but you're round in all the right places.

[mikeusa]

A Horoscope For The Workplace

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are  instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the  majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut,  have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

[Max 2017]

A black jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, " Daddy, am I more jewish or black?" The dad replies, " Why do you want to know, son?"

" Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it! "

[Max 2017]

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on a Tuesday. I go on Fridays.

[Max 2017]

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at centre court. He sits down and notices that the seat nest to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone is sitting there, He responds, "No, the seat is empty." The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbour responds, " Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds, " I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbour responds, " No, they're all at the funeral. "

[Max 2017]

Best laugh you can get on here is reading the Chatbox.... lol 

[Lisa]

Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the others goat and today they were meeting for lunch.

Nina noticed that Rosie was walking funny and asked what the problem was.

Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just my husband is so big I just can't take it."

Nina replied, "I know, I know." 

[Lisa]

Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

 

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?  Castrated.

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[mikeusa]

Deconstructing Little Johnny

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.

The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.

Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."

The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging a**hole you are!