Free Cats

Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home -- they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be looking at them like, 'Oh they're so cute. Let's go find one like that.'

A Daring New Position

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?

Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

I Was Thinking...

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Donald Trump's wall.

On the condition he gets to install windows.

 

Donald Trump is now president, but the real winner is Melania Trump.

Now she can call herself the First Lady instead of the Third Wife.

A blonde pushes her car into a gas station one day.

She tells the mechanic it just died as she was driving along.

The mechanic works on it and soon has the engine idling smoothly.

The blonde asks him, " So, what's the story? "

The mechanic says, " Just crap in the carburettor. "

The blonde asks, " Okay, how often do I have to do that? "

People you see online are not actors, they are Real people living their routine lives in apartments with video cameras. There are no scenarios, no operators, video editing or censorship just life as it is 24/7... lol

On ‎16‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 5:24 AM, mikeusa said:

Old and Broke

A friend of mine just died. He was 84 years old, died broke. At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless.' I don't know -- to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.

Bang on, You can't take it with you.

I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths.

" I'm sorry, I can't, " she said. " I already cut it in half. "

An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal-Mart, shouting angry at the kids for no reason. The man at reception says cheerfully to her: " Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins? "

The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, " Hell, they're not twins... The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid? "

" No madam... I'm neither blind nor stupid.. I just can't get that there's a man out there who had sex with you twice. "

An airplane was about to crash.

There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, " I am Stephen King, the best selling author of my time... My millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die. "

So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Barack Hussein Obama, said, " I am the 44th President of the United States, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die. "

So he took the 2nd pack and jumped out the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old school boy, " My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. "

The little boy said. " That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my school bag. "

A woman called an airline customer-service asking if she could take her dog on board.

" Sure, " they said, " as long as you provide your own kennel. "

They further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: " I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow! "

Bacardi 151

I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is. When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they gave me Bacardi 151. I didn't even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t. Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.

Little Johnny and God

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."

The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."

"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest."

Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"

A Hooker & a Bungee Jump

Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

Look to Nature

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie -- just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'