Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn't get you.

Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.

 

At a medical check-up:

Do you do dangerous sports?

Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

A man pulls up his car at a red light next to a woman in her car. He opens his windows and glances at the woman. The woman also opens the window and looks at him questioningly.

The man smiles and says: " Ah, you too? Gas is a bitch, isn't it."

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriends kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

 

A box of condoms, please.

That'll be £3.99. Do you want a bag?

Nah I'm ok. She's actually quite pretty.

Little Johnny... Big Word

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

Fondest Childhood Memory

My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: 'We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.' 'Why? I'm not paying you -- my parents are! Come here!'

Nothing But Dial

You've been married to the women for 20 years. She don't use nothing but Dial soap. Her mama uses Dial soap. All seven of her sisters use Dial soap in their seven respective homes. You can go through purse, pocketbook, and find Dial coupons any given time of the day or night. Damn you if you come home smelling like Zest!

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts,"Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Little Johnny... Definite Definition

 

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely shit my pants."

Adding Blonde

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

A: She couldn't find the 10 key

Weird Being Single

I'm single now. And it's really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I've just been cheating.

President's Day

My nephew's school was celebrating President's Day. He comes and he tells me, 'My little black friend's going to wear an Obama shirt, my little white friend's going to wear a Kennedy shirt and since I'm Latino I don't know what shirt to wear.' So I made him a shirt that said: Coming Soon.

A man bursts into his house and yells, " Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery! "

She says, " Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains? "

He replies, " I don't care.... Just get the hell out! "

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell.... She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

 

At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

One day Little Timmy caught his mum and dad having sex.

Little Timmy asks his dad, " Can I join you? "

His dad asks, " Can your dick touch your ass? "

Timmy replies, " No."

" Then no," Dad replies.

Later on he catches his dad looking at porn.

Timmy asks, " Can I look with you Daddy? "

His dad asks again, " Can your dick touch your ass? "

" No."

" Then no."

Later that night Little Timmy is eating cookies.

His dad walks into the kitchen and asks, " Can I have a cookie? "

Timmy asks, " Can your dick touch your ass? "

His dad replies, " Yes."

" Then go fuck yourself these cookies are mine! "