I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow."

The next day she came in wearing black!

When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong.

Moral of the story: She really loves me underneath it all.

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."

 

What has a slice of toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?

In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.

 

My boss said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."

"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Lets talk I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"Ok", said Little Johnny. " That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first."

" A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. I have no idea."

"Well then," said Little Johnny, "How is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."

The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

 

1) MENstruation

2) MENopause

3) MENtal breakdown

4) GUYnecology

5) HIMmorrhoids.

Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."

Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

 

A woman goes into a hardware store.

"May I help you ma'am?"

"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."

"Do you wanna screw for it?"

"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."

A blonde walks into an appliance store, she goes to the cashier and says, "I'd like to buy that television".

The cashier replies, "We don't sell to blondes".

Furious, the blonde storms out of the store.

The next day the blonde goes back to the store but with a black wig on. She goes to the same cashier and says, "I'd like to buy that television".

The cashier replies, "We don't sell to blondes".

Confused and angry the blonde says to him, "How do you know I'm blonde? I have a black wig on!"

The cashier replies, "Because that's a microwave, not a television".

Little Johnny... Name That Animal

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

After 69

Q: What comes after 69?

A: Mouthwash

 

A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane on it spotted a young man staring at her.

She asked him, "Were you admiring my airplane?"

He replied, "No, I was admiring the landing field."

In the First 12 Seconds

I just read about this study that says that, apparently, when women go on dates, they decide if they're going to sleep with the guy or not in the first 12 seconds. Seems wrong to me, you know. How are these women getting drunk so fast?

A photographer went to a dinner party where he showed of many of his photographs. The lady of the house said, those are very nice pictures, you must have a great camera. He said nothing, but when leaving for home offered the following compliment to the lady of the house. "The meal was very nice, you must have great pots and pans."

The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"

Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

 

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mother, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny!"

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says, " It's ok. We get it on every other week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies, " It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is shocked. " Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

" Oh, sure," says Sally, " He snores while I masturbate."

One day mum was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about it? "

Dad looked at her and said, " Well I don't think you should spank him."