Wazzer Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. The wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying: "She's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife..." His funeral service will be held on Friday. Scotsman84, Rudi, One Eyed Willie and 3 others 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUBBERMAN Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Create an account to see this content! DIRTYHARRY and delta10 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUBBERMAN Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Create an account to see this content! delta10, DIRTYHARRY, Flume and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello"... WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes". WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much". WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked". MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000". ; MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options". WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janine and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.5M for it". MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $1.4. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go an extra $50k if it's what you really want". WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too". The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?" Johnny, Scotsman84, delta10 and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today, 1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. Flume and Johnny 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I recently got kicked out of the 9th Annual Conference on Gender-Fluidity and Transgender Sensitivity after using the "F-word" during a conversation with one of the presenters. No, no, not 'fuck'... 'female'. Scotsman84 and delta10 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 At breakfast, the husband says to his wife: "What would you do if I won the Lotto?" "I'd take half and leave you" she says. "Great" he says. "Here's your $6. Pack your bags and FUCK OFF!" delta10 and Scotsman84 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 A blonde was touring a farm and asked the farmer "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns" began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse". Johnny and delta10 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 A man comes home from work one day and says to his wife, "Honey, I got a new secretary and imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, they are the colours of my favourite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man's says, "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it feels really good!" The third day they arrive home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but it feels good!" RUBBERMAN, One Eyed Willie and delta10 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 A flashy showgirl married a 97 year old retired well-to-do general, largely because she held the belief that the old codger wouldn't even survive the wedding night. While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped into a black see-through nightie and struck her most seductive pose upon the bed. When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he was stark naked except for earplugs, a clothes peg on his nose and a condom. "Why are you wearing those?" She asked in amazement. "Because if there's anything I just can't stand, "he grumbled, "it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber." delta10 and Scotsman84 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine checkup, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the baby stars coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?" The doctor replies, "Well, women have been having babies for hundreds of years without a doctor in attendance. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the position you were laying in when you got pregnant." The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?" delta10, RUBBERMAN, One Eyed Willie and 1 other 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 On 6/15/2019 at 11:12 AM, StnCld316 said: Mama Fratelli. LOL Create an account to see this content! RUBBERMAN 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Create an account to see this content! Johnny and RUBBERMAN 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Create an account to see this content! Johnny and RUBBERMAN 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Create an account to see this content! Johnny and RUBBERMAN 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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