I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself "I'm gonna take that!"

My friend surprised me with a book called Roadkill Recipes. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I'm just not sure what to do with the bicycle. 

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says no, so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. 

"You're da bomb!" No, you're da bomb!"

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument. 

Head of Company: We need to stop testing our products on animals.

Consultant: Why? The shampoo companies do it.

Head of Company: Yeah, but we make dildos. 

You got a dig bick.

You that read wrong.

You read that wrong too.

Maybe you read that wrong as well.

You just went and back checked.

You reread of all that.

You have a pet wussy.

You that read wrong

You need mental help. 

NEED A LAUGH WHEN ALL RLC IS DEAD FOR SURE, WATCH B1 AND B2 APARTMENTS!!

11 hours ago, RUBBERMAN said:

NEED A LAUGH WHEN ALL RLC IS DEAD FOR SURE, WATCH by B1 AND B2 APARTMENTS!!

You love it really. LOL 

Went to the gym earlier, while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in. So anyway... she's made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life.

Came out the gym the other day and a cop asked me how I got that body. I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was."

A mom calls out to her son, "Harry! Wake up! You'll be late for school."

The son replies, "Mom, I don't want to go to school!

The teachers and students hate me! Give me one reason I should go!"

The mom shouts back, "You should go because you're the principal!!"

Husband: Knocks the door at midnight.

Wife: Go back to where you came from!

Husband: Open the door or I will throw myself in the pool!

Wife: Go ahead and kill yourself, do you think I care?

So the husband stands near the dark part of the gate and waits for 2 minutes, takes a big stone and throws it in the pool.

!!!!..Scheweew..!!!!

Wife hears and opens the door and runs towards the swimming pool. The husband quickly sneaks into the house and locks the door.

Wife: Open the door or I will shout!!

Husband: Shout till all the neighbours wake up and come over here. Tell them where you are coming from by this time of the night with only panties and a bra!