Blonde Jokes

[Vaz]

"May I take your order?" The blonde waitress asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," she replied, "we just tell them straight out they're going to die." 

[Vaz]

A couple are trying for a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "That's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" "She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!" 

[WhySoSerious?]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" spluttered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." 

"And then what?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I though. This is going to very loud. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." 

[WhySoSerious?]

Day1: A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum, "We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Mum replies, "Yes dear."

Day2: We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Mum replies, "Yes dear."

Day3: We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" Mum replies, "No dear, it's because your 25."

[WhySoSerious?]

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home!, I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I've won a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

The blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

Blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "Win A Bagel." 

[WhySoSerious?]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she didn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her. He went to speak to her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He made his way to the first class section and whispered in the blondes ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and co-pilot asked what he said to her. The captain replied. "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." 

[Wazzer]

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you give me $5, and vice-versa." She says no again, and tries to fall asleep. The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?" At that number, the blonde agrees. The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500. "Got it," she replies. 

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5. Now it's her turn, and she asks, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?" The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the internet, e-mails his friends. No-one knows the answer. So he gives her $500. Then, as they are landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?". She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane. 

[Wazzer]

Two blondes find a mirror on the sidewalk. The first blonde picks it up, looks into it and says, "Hey, I know this person! I've seen her somewhere before." The second blonde takes the mirror, looks into it and says, "Duh! Of course you have that's me!" 

[Johnny]

Two blondes are on a train, sitting in a cabin next to an old gentleman who happens to have a long beard.

One of the blonde girls whispers to the other "Wow, look, it's Charles Darwin!!"

"Are you stupid, he's been dead for over 200 years!" replies the other blonde.

Just then, another older man walks into the cabin and says, "Howdy Charles, I haven't seen you for hundreds of years, what you been up to?"

The first blonde says to the second, "Who's stupid now?"

[Vaz]

A man is sitting on his porch when he notices two blondes working down the road. They both have shovels. One of them digs a hole and the other immediately fills it in. The man watches them for a few hours and finally approaches them, "You ladies look like you're working hard. But I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish."

One of the blondes replies, "Well, there's usually three of us, but the one that plants the trees is sick."

[WhySoSerious?]

A truck driver was driving between towns on a country road when he spotted a gorgeous blonde hitchhiking. He stopped without hesitation and she climbed into the cab showing mountains of cleavage. Two miles further down the road, he got a flat, pulled over to the side of the road to inspect the tire. He was fiddling around with the wheel, when the blonde opened the window and shouted down, "Do you need a screwdriver?" The driver replied, all smiles "Might as well. I can't get this fucking hub cap off."

[WhySoSerious?]

I told my blonde friend this joke:

There were 3 blondes walking on a track.

The first said they were goat tracks.

Second said they were horse tracks.

The third was sure they were cow tracks.

Then they were hit by a train.

 

My friend asked, "So what tracks were they?"

 

[Vaz]

One Christmas eve, Santa Claus comes down a chimney and is startled by a beautiful young blonde. She asks, "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho. I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" So she takes of her nightgown, and only wearing bra and panties, she asks, "Santa now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho. I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!". She takes off everything and asks once more. "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies, "Hey, Hey, Hey, I gotta stay, gotta stay! I cant get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[Vaz]

A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she has sworn off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they are just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator". "So, what will you do when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "I'll just fake an orgasm like always!"

[Vaz]

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell the truth, but make you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I am the thinnest person in the world", and poof! The mirror gobbled her up.

The second person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told her mirror, "I think I am the prettiest person in the world", and poof! The mirror gobbled her up.

Last to come was a blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think....." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.