King Hamlet

Yo momma so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
Yo momma so stupid, when told she had lost her mind, she went looking for it.
Yo momma so fat the only letters she knows in the alphabet are K.F.C!
Yo momma so ugly, the army doesn't use guns any more - they use her picture.
Yo momma so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
Yo momma is so fat if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.

The policeman had a bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes. Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten in their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally he got his car started and began to slowly drive away. Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he agreed. When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, " How can this be?"
To which the man replied, " Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness Monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted " God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed, " You say you don't believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?"
The atheist looked up and said, " Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he would hear internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: " Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let it go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: " Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"

A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar, the friends ask why he is late and he responds:
" Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and I suddenly see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."
The friends are curious and ask, " Well, what happened next?"
The guy says, " Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, " Soo.... did you get any head? "
The guy says, " No, I couldn't find it...."

While proudly showing of his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. " What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
" Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
" How does it work?"
" Watch", the man said, giving it an ear - shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, " For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

A man and his ever nagging wife were on a holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost $4500 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said, "Ship her home." Shocked, the undertaker asked, "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?"
The husband replied, "A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.... I can't take the chance!"

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dads reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Hard to pick which one first. lol 

Lol.

Yo momma so fat when she sat on the back of the bus it did a wheelie.
Yo momma so stupid she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
Yo momma is so ugly her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved.
Yo momma is so poor she went running after the garbage truck with a grocery list.

Yo momma's so fat, her baby pictures were taken by satellite
Yo momma is so stupid, she got hit by a parked car
Yo momma is so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license
Yo momma is so dumb she tried to make an appointment with Dr. Pepper