King Hamlet

nothing to do with bikebabes but worthy of a post

Night.

Billy Connolly.

Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating.
One of the guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"
 
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook, and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't fuck."

A man sitting at a bar asked a pretty woman sitting next to him, Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?"
"Get away from me, you pervert," she replied.
"Oh, I'm sorry, exclaims the man, "It must be your feet."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: " Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be to long, They simply wrote: " Returned Unopened."

A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk, " Where do you keep the curtains for computers? " The clerk answers with a puzzled face, " Curtains for computers? You don't need curtains for computers." The blondes eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers, "Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!"

A couple returns from honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong? "Well, replies the man, When we finished making love on the first night, I put $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years." "That's not the problem", the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

A couple returns from honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong? "Well, replies the man, When we finished making love on the first night, I put $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years." "That's not the problem", the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he had hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that he should take uncle Ted.
Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible.
Joe agreed and took Ted along.
He teed off and could feel he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."
 

A mum told her little girl about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the little girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

A couple returns from honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong? "Well, replies the man, When we finished making love on the first night, I put $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years." "That's not the problem", the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"