toolmaker123

If you get a hand job from someone that speaks sign language is it considered a blow job? One day, a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." After supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "Hey, there's only an inch of water in the tub!" "Yeah," the husband replies. "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

I only get gift vouchers that are expired; lottery tickets already scratched off and complimentary dinners vouchers for foods I dislike.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. "Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left in here? Oh yes, 'multiple orgasms' . . ."

Things I have learned from reading my junk email: 1. Everything is absolutely free (or only pay shipping & handling). 2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here. 3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any of the various sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets, or my farm animals) if I just click there. 4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here. 5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here. 6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and then here. 7. I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder. 8. But wait..there's more... legal marijuana, sleeping pills, stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of Ginzu knives...all by just clicking here and clicking here. WHAT A COUNTRY... ONLY IN America. AND, When that poor widow woman in South Africa sends me my bazillions of dollars, you'll never see me again.

I was a the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly realized that I was listening to my iPod. VIKA finally decided she needed a bra that fit properly and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the sales lady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she went to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

IF it is her, she gotta a little chubbier and grewed some titties.

Chewing gum and walking would be a huge handicap task for him too

It took awhile to realize there were people among the mountain of clothes; her room looks like Hiroshima.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "Daddy Longlegs" the father replied "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in my garden."

The Perfect Day for Her and for Him The Perfect Day for Her: 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses 8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer 10:30 Sauna, followed by a gentle massage, facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 1:30 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 3:00 Nap 4:30 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer 5:30 Pick out expensive outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing 10:00 Hot shower (alone) 10:30 Make love 12:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling 12:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms ========================= The Perfect Day for Him: 6:00 Alarm 6:15 Blowjob 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today 7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport 8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ) 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under) 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens 12:15 Blowjob 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under) 2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini) 2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap) 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless)crew 4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1,249 lbs) 5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland 6:45 Shit, shower and shave 7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold) 7:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York steak 9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar 9:30 Sex with three women (preferably at least two with mixed race origin) 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi 11:45 Bed (alone) 11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room 11:55 Sleep

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

I'm already workin on my second million; they say it comes easier than the first, so I'm earning it first

YES

Actual Label Instructions In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products: 1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. 9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 11. On a bag of Frito's - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special?!?) 12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?) 13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!) 14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) 15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) 16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what?...use in outer space?) 17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.) 18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) 19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) 20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) 21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) 22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. ( OK lets eat it frozen!!!) 23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD. 24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.(Kids no more driving) 26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!) 27. On a stroller: Do Not fold with child inside.

My Thoughts on beer: Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Babe Ruth "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Lyndon B. Johnson "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Paul Horning "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." H. L. Mencken "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" George Bernard Shaw "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.! W. C. Fields Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. Professor Irwin Corey To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can! Leo Durocher One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. ================================================================================================= I just love eBay. I sold a homing pigeon eight times last month.

Rambling thoughts: If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. · I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. · Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. · If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. · Take my advice — I'm not using it. · My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. · Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were. · Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. · Ever stop to think and forget to start again? · Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. · He who laughs last thinks slowest. · Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? · Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. · I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. · Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. · I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. · If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. · If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? · Money is the root of all wealth. · No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ If Hillary is elected President she will be the first Woman ever elected Does this mean Bill Clinton will be the first man to be First Lady ? No wonder the libtards are confused about laws concerning bathrooms

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" "Cause he ain't never seen a train wreck."...

I taught my dog to beg. Today he came back with $215.00.

I have a buddy stationed in Yuma, AZ. He sent me this. Living in Yuma, Arizona, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT . When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the hat: It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles. It saved me 5 hours. At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. If you live in Texas , it might cut your wait time at the grocery store. But...don't try it at McDonald's… The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order!

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild and crazy when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was about your age and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and fucked a parrot.... I thought you might be my son.''

The top 10 bizarre foreign laws as voted by those polled: In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits There is no age of consent in Japan In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon

Texas isn’t alone… from the BBC: The UK’s top 10 most ridiculous British laws were listed as: It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

Men shopping at Home Depot by age group A man's age, as determined by his trip to the Home Depot. You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or Whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, Dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from Who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the Job. Depending on your age you might do one of the following: In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, Brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite Cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register. In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands And comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to Cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking-in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's' age and you feel weird thinking she is hot. In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands Onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap In your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think You've still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Beer & Bait Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.' In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your Pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not too sure. In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the Home Depot until the drug store calls and has all your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes, anymore. The young thing at the register stares at you and that's when you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch. In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you came for in the first place. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. In your 90's & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who FARTED?

Top 5 worst Irish inventions ever. 1. Inflatable dartboard. 2. Diet water. 3. Helicopter ejector seat. 4. Wooden barbecue. 5. Non-stick toilet paper.

I had a great time watching Fifty Shades Of Grey at the cinema with my girlfriend. The film was terrible but the reaction of the people sitting in front of us after I flicked mayonnaise on them was hilarious.