box_hunter

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?'" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".

Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back... and that is as a chicken".

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never" said Ed.

"Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...

"Ed, wake up! You've shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just aint what they said it would be!

The guy next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think SHE'S beautiful, you should see MY girlfriend mate". He said "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said "No, she's an optician".

A new Army Lieutenant, let's call him Jim Browning, was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked Sgt Huntington why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said "Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women".
"Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Milly the Camel". The Lieutenant said "I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the "urges" so the camel can stay".
About a month later, the young Lieutenant Browning starts having his own urges. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sgt Huntington to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, Browning stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sgt Huntington "Is that how the men do it?" "No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town... that's where the girls are..."

Gus was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
That same day Gus went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to Becky.
At home, he found Becky was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.
Gus, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, Gus went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked "How did it go?" "Well, not as I'd expected. When I fired the pistol, Becky shit on my face, bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air".

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?'" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".

Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back... and that is as a chicken".

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never" said Ed.

"Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...

"Ed, wake up! You've shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just aint what they said it would be!

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?'" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".

Gus was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
That same day Gus went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to Becky.
At home, he found Becky was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.
Gus, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, Gus went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked "How did it go?" "Well, not as I'd expected. When I fired the pistol, Becky shit on my face, bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air".

The guy next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think SHE'S beautiful, you should see MY girlfriend mate". He said "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said "No, she's an optician".

Yep that looks very safe!!

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think it's the second coming?". She replied "Because I swallowed the first one".

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said "We have reached your destination". The first guy gave him money and the second guy said "Thank you". The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The third guy replied "Watch your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think it's the second coming?". She replied "Because I swallowed the first one".

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted".
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said "Look at these! They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven".
Dolly was outraged and asked "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly" said the Angel "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair!"

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted".
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said "Look at these! They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven".
Dolly was outraged and asked "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly" said the Angel "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair!"

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think it's the second coming?". She replied "Because I swallowed the first one".

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said "We have reached your destination". The first guy gave him money and the second guy said "Thank you". The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The third guy replied "Watch your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"