box_hunter

Someone at that movie has had some fun.......

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there".
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes". 'Unbelievable' the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man". "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork". The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli".
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man". Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you". The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!" 

Clean up isle 5..

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there".
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes". 'Unbelievable' the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man". "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork". The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli".
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man". Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you". The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!" 

As I was getting in bed, she said "You're drunk". I said "How do you know?" She said "You live next door".

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. "Yes?" asks St. Peter. "I am here for Jesus" says the Pakistani. St Peter turns around and shouts "Jesus, your taxi's here!"

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book" she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area" he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading". "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
"For reading a book?" she replies. "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area" he informs her again, "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you" says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment". "Have a nice day ma'am" and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everything but my earrings".

There is a medical conference at the local hospital and many doctors are invited.
During the conference a man spots a super sexy and fit female doctor. After the conference he goes up to her and "Asks do you want to go out for a drink?" "Yes please" she said.
Before they settle down for the drink the woman says "I must wash my Hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they drink their drinks.
Next they go for a meal. Before they eat the woman says "I must go and wash my hands". So she washes her hands and she comes back and they have their meal.
When they return home they realise they are really turned on by each other and they give in to their throbbing urges and decide to have sex. But before they have sex the women says again "I must go and wash my hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they have sex.
After they have had sex the man says to the woman "You are a surgeon, aren't you". "Yes" she replies "how do you know that". "Well" he says "you are always going and washing your hands". Then the women says to the man "you are an anaesthetist aren't you". "Yes" he says "how do you know that?" "Well" she says "because I did not feel a prick!" 

There is a medical conference at the local hospital and many doctors are invited.
During the conference a man spots a super sexy and fit female doctor. After the conference he goes up to her and "Asks do you want to go out for a drink?" "Yes please" she said.
Before they settle down for the drink the woman says "I must wash my Hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they drink their drinks.
Next they go for a meal. Before they eat the woman says "I must go and wash my hands". So she washes her hands and she comes back and they have their meal.
When they return home they realise they are really turned on by each other and they give in to their throbbing urges and decide to have sex. But before they have sex the women says again "I must go and wash my hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they have sex.
After they have had sex the man says to the woman "You are a surgeon, aren't you". "Yes" she replies "how do you know that". "Well" he says "you are always going and washing your hands". Then the women says to the man "you are an anaesthetist aren't you". "Yes" he says "how do you know that?" "Well" she says "because I did not feel a prick!" 

MIND-BLOWING FACTS ABOUT EVERYTHING
-The silkworm consumes 86,000 times its own weight in 56 days.
-Mukesh Ambani, India's richest person lives with his family of 4 in a 27-floor personal home and has a full-time staff of 600 who maintains the residence.
-The first American film to show a toilet being flushed on screen was Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho.
-Marie Curie's work is still radioactive enough to make you sick. You must sign a disclaimer to view them.
-Male elephants sometimes use their penis as a 5th limb.
-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
-Men can read smaller print then women can; women can hear better.
-The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
-If removed from the stress of the modern world, the average human would sleep about 10 hours a day.
-"Dysania" is the state of finding it hard to get out of the bed in the morning.
-Melting glaciers and icebergs make a distinctive fizzing noise known as "bergy seltzer".
-Cleopatra lived closer to the Moon landing the building of the Great Pyramid.
-The brain named itself.
-The average human blinks their eyes 6,205,000 times each year.
-The US state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-Shakespeare wrote the first knock-knock joke.
-To produce a single pound of honey, a single bee would have to visit 2 million flowers.
-Half of the humans ever to live have died from malaria.
-There is a glacier called "Blood Falls" in Antarctica that regularly pours out red liquid, making it look like the ice is bleeding. It's actually oxidised salty water.
-The entire length of all the eyelashes shed by a human in their life is over 98 feet (30 m).
-Mozart wrote a canon entitled "Leck mich im Arsch" which translates as "Lick me in the arse".
-White skin originated only 6,000-12,000 years ago, prior to which all humans were black.
-The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
-Charlie Chaplin's remains were stolen and held for ransom.
-A colony of 500 bats can eat approximately 250,000 insects in an hour.
-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-In 2008 scientists discovered a new species of bacteria that lives in hairspray.
-In China, rich people can hire body doubles to serve their prison time.
-Cleopatra lived closer in time to the Moon landing than to the construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza.
-Fold a piece of paper in half 103 times and it will be as thick as the universe.
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-Men's shirts have the buttons on the right while women's shirts have the buttons on the left.
-One in five adults believe that aliens are hiding in our planet disguised as humans.
-Babies are colour blind when they are born. 
-The top of the Eiffel Tower leans away from the sun, as the metal facing the sun heats up and expands. It can move as much as 7 inches.
-High heels were originally made for men. Butchers wore them so they wouldn't step in blood.
-It can take a photon 40,000 years to travel from the core of the sun to the surface, but only 8 minutes to travel the rest of the way to earth.
-If there was no space between the atoms on Earth it would be the size of a regular baseball.
-The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-The average human heart will beat 3,000 million times in its lifetime and pump 48 million gallons of blood.
-Travelling masseuses in ancient Japan were required by law to be blind.
-Mondays are the most unproductive days of the week. Only about 3 and a half hours of work are actually done on Mondays.
-Lt. Col. "Mad" Jack Churchill was only British soldier in WWII known to have killed an enemy soldier with a longbow. "Mad Jack" insisted on going into battle armed with both a medieval bow and a claymore sword.
-Ireland's population is still 2M less than it was before the potato famine.
-It would take 1,200,000 mosquitoes, each sucking once, to completely drain the average human of blood.
-In one hour, your heart works hard enough to produce the equivalent energy to raise almost 1 ton of weight 1 yard off the ground.
-The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-On the planets Uranus and Neptune, it regularly rains diamonds.
-The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in court.
-If done perfectly, any Rubik's Cube combination can be solved in 17 turns!
-Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts -A banana is a berry and a strawberry isn't.
- Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
-Human blood travels 60,000 miles (96,540 km) per day on its journey through the body.
-James Fixx, the man who popularised jogging in America died of a heart attack while running.
-All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
-The longest musical performance in history is currently taking place in the church of St. Burchardi in Halberstadt, Germany. The performance of John Cage's "Organ²/ASLSP (As Slow As Possible)" started on Sept. 5, 2001, and is set to finish in 2640. The last time the note changed was October 2013; the next change isn't due until 2020.
-Nelson Mandela wasn't removed from the U.S. terror watch-list until 2008.
-A small percentage of the static you see on "dead" TV stations is left over radiation from the Big Bang. You're seeing residual effects of the Universe's creation.
-Blood accounts for about 8% of a human's body weight. 
-Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
-Enough sperm to form an object slightly larger than an aspirin tablet would actually be sufficient to give Earth its present population.
-The average American spends about a year and a half of his or her life watching commercials on television.
-Jimmy Carter sent a jacket to the cleaners with nuclear launch codes and secrets in the pocket.
-There's an opera house on the U.S.-Canada border where the stage is in one country and half the audience is in another.
-On average, men produce about 10 million new sperm daily. That's enough to repopulate the entire planet in 6 months.
-A broken clock is right two times a day.
-Listening to sarcastic people daily will make you more creative.
-Written language was invented independently by the Egyptians, Sumerians, Chinese and Mayans.
-Quentin Tarantino played an Elvis impersonator in the Golden Girls.
-If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand.
-The oldest known recipe for beer is over 4,000 years old.

Great savings at this store

"Your generation is too reliant on technology" said my grandpa. "No, your generation is too reliant on technology" I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury. Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks. The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the afternoon headline. It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.

It's Called your Local. LOL

WTF.

I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I changed my Facebook status: "I can't wait to get to Las Vegas and spend all my money on the sluts". My wife commented "You spelt 'slots' wrong. Silly xxx". That's why I married a blonde.