box_hunter

FROM CEO TO EMPLOYEES
Dear Staff,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10-year-old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (they are called SATURDAY's AND SUNDAY's).
LUNCH BREAK:
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
INTERNET USAGE:
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
Important Note: Charges applicable as $0.50 per minute as we have fast connection.
FYI, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded the equivalent of 3 months' salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.
Regards,
CEO

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel
My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver.

Why is every American receiving a $1200 check?
 
Because Trump always pays off the people he has fucked.

I was in a pub in Saturday night when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number, sexy". I replied "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said "Yes". I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers:
"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".

Wife: "Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?" Husband: "Okay... but I talk a lot of shit when I'm high"

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".
So, he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".
So, he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".
So, he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".
So, he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".
So, he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

It's been a really strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

It's been a really strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection. Honestly, the government is starting to sound like my fucking wife!

Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection. Honestly, the government is starting to sound like my fucking wife!

Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection. Honestly, the government is starting to sound like my fucking wife!

Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection. Honestly, the government is starting to sound like my fucking wife!

Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection. Honestly, the government is starting to sound like my fucking wife!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well...
Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software development. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good" said the new husband "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... "You know how I work... you have three wishes".
"I'm not falling for this". said the cowboy.... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie".
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
"Okay! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.".
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
" Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams".
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
" Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me".
*POOF*
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

A woman buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. Finally, husband asks: "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite!"

The Asian version!
best-rear-windshield-wiper-yet.mp4