need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

box_hunter · June 6, 2017

So there is this boy who has a speaking disability. One day he goes down to the bakery and asks for a bum, the person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bun?" The boy replies with "Yeah yeah whatever". He then decides to go down to the hardware store and asks for "A fuck it" The person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bucket?" The boy replies with "Yeah yeah whatever". He then goes to the pet store to get a dog. He asks for a "Cock and spank it". The lady at the counter replies "Don't you mean a cocker spaniel?" He replies with "Yeah yeah whatever". That afternoon he loses his dog, he goes up to a random woman and says "Can you please hold my bum and fuck it while I go find my cock and spank it?"

box_hunter · June 6, 2017

A Mexican, white guy, and a black guy all go to hell. They run into the devil soon enough who tells them that if they can walk across his hand without burning in flames, then he will give them a second life on earth. The white guy was really confident... first step though, he caught on fire and disappeared. The Mexican, nervously took his first step and noticed that he wasn't dead, he took a couple more steps but then quickly caught on fire and disappeared. The black guy started walking and made it all the way across without burning to flames. Satan was shocked and asked him how he did it and the black guy replied "chocolate melts in your mouth not your hands"

box_hunter · June 6, 2017

"Your generation is too reliant on technology" said my grandpa. "No, your generation is too reliant on technology" I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.

box_hunter · June 6, 2017

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury. Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks. The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the afternoon headline. It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.

box_hunter · June 6, 2017

MIND-BLOWING FACTS ABOUT EVERYTHING

-The silkworm consumes 86,000 times its own weight in 56 days.
-Mukesh Ambani, India's richest person lives with his family of 4 in a 27-floor personal home and has a full-time staff of 600 who maintains the residence.
-The first American film to show a toilet being flushed on screen was Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho.
-Marie Curie's work is still radioactive enough to make you sick. You must sign a disclaimer to view them.
-Male elephants sometimes use their penis as a 5th limb.
-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
-Men can read smaller print then women can; women can hear better.
-The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
-If removed from the stress of the modern world, the average human would sleep about 10 hours a day.
-"Dysania" is the state of finding it hard to get out of the bed in the morning.
-Melting glaciers and icebergs make a distinctive fizzing noise known as "bergy seltzer".
-Cleopatra lived closer to the Moon landing the building of the Great Pyramid.
-The brain named itself.
-The average human blinks their eyes 6,205,000 times each year.
-The US state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-Shakespeare wrote the first knock-knock joke.
-To produce a single pound of honey, a single bee would have to visit 2 million flowers.
-Half of the humans ever to live have died from malaria.
-There is a glacier called "Blood Falls" in Antarctica that regularly pours out red liquid, making it look like the ice is bleeding. It's actually oxidised salty water.
-The entire length of all the eyelashes shed by a human in their life is over 98 feet (30 m).
-Mozart wrote a canon entitled "Leck mich im Arsch" which translates as "Lick me in the arse".
-White skin originated only 6,000-12,000 years ago, prior to which all humans were black.
-The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
-Charlie Chaplin's remains were stolen and held for ransom.
-A colony of 500 bats can eat approximately 250,000 insects in an hour.
-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-In 2008 scientists discovered a new species of bacteria that lives in hairspray.
-In China, rich people can hire body doubles to serve their prison time.
-Cleopatra lived closer in time to the Moon landing than to the construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza.
-Fold a piece of paper in half 103 times and it will be as thick as the universe.
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-Men's shirts have the buttons on the right while women's shirts have the buttons on the left.
-One in five adults believe that aliens are hiding in our planet disguised as humans.
-Babies are colour blind when they are born.
-The top of the Eiffel Tower leans away from the sun, as the metal facing the sun heats up and expands. It can move as much as 7 inches.
-High heels were originally made for men. Butchers wore them so they wouldn't step in blood.
-It can take a photon 40,000 years to travel from the core of the sun to the surface, but only 8 minutes to travel the rest of the way to earth.
-If there was no space between the atoms on Earth it would be the size of a regular baseball.
-The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-The average human heart will beat 3,000 million times in its lifetime and pump 48 million gallons of blood.
-Travelling masseuses in ancient Japan were required by law to be blind.
-Mondays are the most unproductive days of the week. Only about 3 and a half hours of work are actually done on Mondays.
-Lt. Col. "Mad" Jack Churchill was only British soldier in WWII known to have killed an enemy soldier with a longbow. "Mad Jack" insisted on going into battle armed with both a medieval bow and a claymore sword.
-Ireland's population is still 2M less than it was before the potato famine.
-It would take 1,200,000 mosquitoes, each sucking once, to completely drain the average human of blood.
-In one hour, your heart works hard enough to produce the equivalent energy to raise almost 1 ton of weight 1 yard off the ground.
-The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-On the planets Uranus and Neptune, it regularly rains diamonds.
-The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in court.
-If done perfectly, any Rubik's Cube combination can be solved in 17 turns!
-Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts -A banana is a berry and a strawberry isn't.
- Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
-Human blood travels 60,000 miles (96,540 km) per day on its journey through the body.
-James Fixx, the man who popularised jogging in America died of a heart attack while running.
-All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
-The longest musical performance in history is currently taking place in the church of St. Burchardi in Halberstadt, Germany. The performance of John Cage's "Organ²/ASLSP (As Slow As Possible)" started on Sept. 5, 2001, and is set to finish in 2640. The last time the note changed was October 2013; the next change isn't due until 2020.
-Nelson Mandela wasn't removed from the U.S. terror watch-list until 2008.
-A small percentage of the static you see on "dead" TV stations is left over radiation from the Big Bang. You're seeing residual effects of the Universe's creation.
-Blood accounts for about 8% of a human's body weight.
-Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
-Enough sperm to form an object slightly larger than an aspirin tablet would actually be sufficient to give Earth its present population.
-The average American spends about a year and a half of his or her life watching commercials on television.
-Jimmy Carter sent a jacket to the cleaners with nuclear launch codes and secrets in the pocket.
-There's an opera house on the U.S.-Canada border where the stage is in one country and half the audience is in another.
-On average, men produce about 10 million new sperm daily. That's enough to repopulate the entire planet in 6 months.
-A broken clock is right two times a day.
-Listening to sarcastic people daily will make you more creative.
-Written language was invented independently by the Egyptians, Sumerians, Chinese and Mayans.
-Quentin Tarantino played an Elvis impersonator in the Golden Girls.
-If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand.
-The oldest known recipe for beer is over 4,000 years old.

box_hunter · June 6, 2017

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00" he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall".

box_hunter · June 6, 2017

A young girl comes home one day and approaches her father, who is sitting in the living room.

"Daddy" she says "a strange man did something bad to me at the park today". The father, suddenly very attentive, turns to face his daughter.

"Oh, god... okay, sweetie, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn't your fault, and you will not get in trouble for telling me about it. Can you explain what happened?"

"Well" the girl begins "I was playing in the sand, when the man came up to me and told me to come with him behind a tree". "Oh, god" mutters the father. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down his pants and showed me his thing". "Oh, god!" the father exclaims. "What happened next?"

"Then" the girl continues "he pulled up my dress and touched me on my underwear". "Oh, god!" shouts the father. "Sweetie, what happened after that?"

The girl answers with a shrug. "Nothing. That was it". "Well, make something up! I haven't finished yet!"

box_hunter · June 6, 2017

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Ahhh, the class clown, but an intelligent one. This kid will be a success don't you think? I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humour.

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*His last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*At the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
*Liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
*Marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
*Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
*Wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands.

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

box_hunter · June 6, 2017

Great savings at this store