mikeusa Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 Engaged for 10 Months My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, 'Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't got to wear nothing?' I told her, 'Babe, I wear my sad face every day.' leon34, Lisa and delta10 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 Celebrity Look-Alike I was on one of those websites where you upload your picture to the website and it uses face matching technology to find your closest celebrity match. My friend, who's a guy, got Angelina Jolie. I like this technology; he's a guy, he got a girl, I'm going to get a funny celebrity, too. My celebrity look-alike was Anne Frank...Anybody else think Anne Frank maybe shouldn't be on the list of celebs you can get on the site? It should be a light, fun game that you play while you're screwing around on the Internet at work. Not something that immediately references the Holocaust. leon34 and Chucky 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 This boy has just taken his girlfriend to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" she said. "Look, don't worry", he said. It will be quick, I promise you." "Nooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbour, anybody..." "At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it." "I've already said NO, and NO is final!" "Honey, It'll just be a really small blowie.. I know you like it too." "No!!! I've said NO!!!" Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and really need this." At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or i'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep." Scotsman84, King Hamlet, Chucky and 5 others 5 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Little Johnny... Baby Talk Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "Of course not." After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!" leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Adam's New Organs God came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news." "Well, give me the good news first," Adam replied. "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet." Adam exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time." delta10 and leon34 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 How Many Guys a Girl Has Slept With Girls should come with that little card. Remember you were at school you used to go to the library to check out a book? And that little card used to tell you how many people checked that book out. All I'm saying is: some girls come with two cards. She's a bestseller. leon34, Lisa, delta10 and 1 other 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Your Jackie Robinson There was a white running back that was five votes away from winning the Heisman and white people didn't even give a sh*t. He was your Jackie Robinson -- a white running back. That's like finding a white rhino or something, you ain't never seen that. And his name was Toby, how beautiful is that? If somebody had told you two years ago that the best running back in the country's going to be a white dude and the president was going to be black -- you'd be at work like, 'Yo, they drug test here.' leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max 2017 Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 This guy is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of it's socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified, "Oh my, I am sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." So he joins her table and they enjoy a lovely meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye." King Hamlet, RUBBERMAN, Chucky and 4 others 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max 2017 Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied: "I've had an awful day, lets hear the good news first." The attorney said, "Well, I met your wife today, and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring in a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary." King Hamlet, Lisa, Alexander1951 and 2 others 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max 2017 Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humour!" A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me." The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!" You know your getting fat when you say you're fat in front of your friends and nobody corrects you. Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a cock sucker again!? Scotsman84, Lisa and King Hamlet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I saw a teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mowhawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, " What the fuck you looking at? " I replied, " Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son. " Chucky and Max 2017 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, " Jesus is watching you. " He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, " Jesus is watching you. " In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, " Was it you who said jesus is watching me? ", The parrot replied, " Yes. " Relieved the burglar asked, " What is your name? " The parrot said, " Clarence. " The burglar said, " That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence? " The parrot answered, " The same idiot that named the Rottweiler jesus." Alexander1951, Lisa, Max 2017 and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capeguy Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 A young teenager and his girlfriend decide to go parking after a date. They find a dead-end road, go all the way to the end and pull over to the side and start kissing. They are so into what they are doing they fail to notice a pair of headlights coming down the road. Turns out there was a water pumping station at the end of the road which the police routinely check while on patrol. The pair are interrupted from their activities as a flashlight beam shines into the car and there is a rap on the driver's window. Fortunately they were only kissing with nothing exposed. They straighten up and roll down the driver side window. The officer asks the boy for his driver's license. As he shines the light into the passenger side he realizes the girl looks familiar. He yells over to his partner Karen and says ' Hey Karen, I think I know why you have been unable to get ahold of your daughter Sandy'! Needless to say, this was their last date. BTW - this was a true life experience and it only got worse after that. Chucky, Lisa, Max 2017 and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Miss Taylor the English teacher writes an incorrect sentence on the board: " I didn't had no fun for months." Then she faces the class and says, " Ok class, how should this be corrected? " Little Johnny says, " I think you should get yourself a better man! " Little Johnny was asked, ' What would you like for your birthday? ' He said, " Tampons please. " " Tampons!? Why do you want tampons for your birthday!? " He replied, " I saw a great TV ad. With a tampon you can go swimming, biking and skiing. " Chucky, King Hamlet, delta10 and 3 others 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty? " Simple," grins the millionaire, " I faked my age. " His friends are really amazed and ask him how old he said. " Well", he replied. " I said I was 87! " Chucky, Alexander1951, Lisa and 2 others 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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