Lisa Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 A couple were married and following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there will be sex here at 7 o'clock every night.... whether you're here or not." King Hamlet, Robwin, Alexander1951 and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman I she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids. Have good Friday all. King Hamlet, Shadow V, Max 2017 and 4 others 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 Little Johnny... Quit Bugging Me While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?" Shadow V, Lisa, King Hamlet and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 (edited) : Breast Donation If you're a woman and you get breast reduction, you need to donate those boobs. There are flat women out there, right now, who actually have to think of clever things to say in conversation. Edited November 11, 2017 by mikeusa miss up leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 Christmas Gifts This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox. leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 Ask a Stupid Question My mother always told me, 'Boy, if somebody asks you a stupid question, you give them a stupid answer.' The cops walked up to my car, 'Would you like to step out of the car?' I said, 'Hell no, it's hot! I got the air conditioner on. How about you hop your ass in here with me?' Max 2017, King Hamlet and leon34 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 A fat lady (To a health expert) "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness." Health expert: "Okay, You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time." Fat lady: "At which particular time?" Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat." King Hamlet, Chucky, Lisa and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took this picture?" Alexander1951, Chucky, Scotsman84 and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day. The first one says, "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal." The second says, "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six." Little Johnny starts laughing and says, "My daddy can eat light bulbs." The other two boys tell Johnny he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks his daddy can eat light bulbs. Little Johnny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my daddy said, "Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing." King Hamlet, Chucky, Scotsman84 and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, " I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, " Ok, but don't do in that field over there." as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! " Reaching into his rear pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. " See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand?!! The rancher nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull... with every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... " Your badge, show him your BADGE!! " Max 2017, King Hamlet, Chucky and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better everyday. Then you get kicked out for being to healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, then.. you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then.. You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case. Lisa, King Hamlet, Chucky and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 A lady went for a routine physical examination at the doctor's office. The nurse handed her a urine specimen container and said, " The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes." A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. She said to the nurse, " Thanks, but they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all." Chucky, Alexander1951, Shadow V and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 I was in hospital visiting my wife after her operation when the nurse suggested it might help if I adjusted my wife's pillows to make it more comfortable. She wasn't wrong. Taking my wife's two pillows and putting them on my chair was a lot more comfortable King Hamlet, Shadow V, Max 2017 and 2 others 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs. " Really? " she said. " Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to loose patience. " Come on," she demanded, " What day was I born? " " Yesterday! " I replied. King Hamlet, Lisa, Max 2017 and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 Boobs are proof men can concentrate on 2 things at once. Robwin, King Hamlet, Lisa and 4 others 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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