need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, " Boy, this economy sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass! "

Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

" That's ok," the blonde replied, " I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car! "

[Scotsman84]

A young reporter was having trouble finishing his byline.

The editor specifically told him that they can't print the words breast or boobs.

The young reporter thought long and hard.

Finally he handed the editor the following report.

" Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . Y . ) "

[Lisa]

A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

" That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

[Max 2017]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.

After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.

The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I will know it's time to go home."

[Max 2017]

If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or the cinema?

 

A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas...

"I don't like it" she says, "I want something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."

So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says, "Stand on that you fat fucker!"

[Max 2017]

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a sheep in the front seat.

"What are you doing with that sheep?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."

The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the sheep again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.

"I thought you were taking that sheep to the zoo!"

The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

[mikeusa]

Little Johnny... Salesman

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

[mikeusa]

Another Bull Name

Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?

A: Beef Stroking off.

[mikeusa]

Gift for Who?

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

[Scotsman84]

A man boards a plane with 6 kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, " Are all of those kids yours? "

He replies, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[Scotsman84]

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, " That's great, sweetie, but what is Wy? " He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads " Wendy ".

When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with " Wy " on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy.

The black guy laughs and says, " Nah, mon, mine says " Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day."

 

[Scotsman84]

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant:

Their legs.

[Scotsman84]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, " When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind? "

The husband replied, " All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, " What are you thinking now? "

He replied, " It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Scotsman84]

An old man goes to church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."

Father: " When was the last time you made a confession? "

Man: " I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: " Then why are you telling me all this? "

Man: " I'm telling everybody! "

[Scotsman84]

There is more money being spent or breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

 

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, " Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000? "

She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.

Eventually the lady asks, " Aren't you gonna bit them? "

He replies, " No, it's too expensive."