Two men are talking. " So, how's your sex life? "

" Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

" Social Security sex? "

" Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, " I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women at large all in the name of humour."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says, " You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee! "

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posted a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into the world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to me or the machine?"

I saw a sign in McDonald's today, it said "We do not accept £50 notes",

Fuck me, if I had a £50 note, I wouldn't be eating in McDonald's.

This bloke in the pub last night was boasting that when he orgasms, he ejaculates up to a

pint of semen at a time. I found that a bit hard to swallow.

Little Bobby says to his dad, "Do you and mummy keep birds in your bedroom?"

Daddy says "No, What do you mean?", and Bobby says, "Well, last night I was passing your room, and I heard

you say to mummy, "Do you wanna swallow, or should I let it fly?"

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but they only have £500. The redhead tells the blonde, " I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for £499. Having one pound left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out it costs one pound per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word " comfortable ".

Skeptical, the operator asks, " How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word? "

The redhead replies, " She's a blonde so she reads slow: ' Come for ta bull."

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, " I had a big fight with my classmate. He called my a sissy."

The mother asked, " What did you do? "

The both replied, " I hit him with my purse! "

 

Little Susie, a six year old, complained, " Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

" That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied." You would feel better if you had something in it."

That afternoon, her father came home complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up," That's because it's empty," she said." You'd feel better if you had something in it."

A tech company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

A company spokesperson declared this is a major breakthrough, as woman are always complaining

about men staring at their boobs without listening to them.

 

A new study has revealed that women with big boobs are smarter than women with smaller boobs.

Though to be fair, the guy who conducted the study admits he wasn't really listening.

Signs your child is too old for breastfeeding.

 

He can open your blouse by himself.

While sucking one breast, he caresses the other.

He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

He keeps slipping money in your belt.

He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

After each feeding, he has a smoke.

He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

Beard abrasions on your areola.

Little Johnny... Thanksgiving Greetings

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."

At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh fuck!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."

A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas -- we can't wait to fuck the turkey!"

Art Gallery Nudes

A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the huband keeps looking.

She asks, "What are you waiting for?"

He replies, "Autumn."

Did You Score?

My friends, they only want to know one thing: 'Did you score? Did you score? Did you score? Did you score?' Hey, guess what -- news flash, guys -- a date's not a sporting event. A date's an opportunity to be in the presence of another individual and celebrate the unique-osity of that person. And no -- I didn't fucking score!

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

" Ha! That's not going to help," she said.

" Sure, it does he said. " It's the only way I can see the numbers."