mikeusa Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep. leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!" leon34, Shadow V and Max 2017 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow V Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back in its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts it back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. 30 minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars, The little boy says, "Grandfather, you already gave me five dollars. The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." Conor, King Hamlet, Max 2017 and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow V Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Two guys are out fishing and one guy just got back from his honeymoon. Friend: "How was the honeymoon?" Married guy: "Awe was all right did a lot of fishing, and well you know how I like to fish." Friend: "Well didn't you fuck?" Married guy. "Oh no she had gonorrhoea, and well you know how I like to fish." Friend: "Why didn't you just roll her over?" Married guy: "She had diarrhoea, and well you know how I like to fish." Friend: "Well didn't you at least get a blow job?" Married guy: "No no she had pyorrhoea, and well you know how I like to fish." Friend: "Well what the hell did you marry her for?" Married guy: "Well she had worms, and well you know how I like to fish." Conor, Scotsman84, King Hamlet and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The 4th nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it." leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 A man goes to his doctor complaining about migraines. His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should try it sometime." Two weeks later on a return visit, the patient tells his doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house." leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket. leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’” A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.” leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them." leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive." leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 A young woman asked her mom if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours. Her mom said, "Sure." However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sex with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mom asked her how the fries were. The daughter replied, "Nice!" The mom said, "I can tell you enjoyed them; there's still mayonnaise dripping from your face." leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell." leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both." leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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