Party Pinata       dark humor 

That's what a pinata inspires. It's like, 'Hey kids, let's get your favorite cartoon character and let's lynch his ass. And then we're gonna all take turns beating the crap out of it until its guts come out. We can all scramble for its sugary entrails. Who's with me?!'

Little Johnny the Conductor

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner.

Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn assholes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!''

''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't believe you are using that language! You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!''

So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later.

He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he says, ''All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on. And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk to the asshole in the kitchen!''

About a Man From Peru

There was a young man from Peru

Who fell asleep in a canoe.

He dreamt that Venus

Was strokin' his penis

And woke with a handful of goo.

Mail Order Bride

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

A man walks into a bar and says, " I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired. "

Everyone laughed. The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone.

He was proud of the craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry,

regardless of what others may think.

I went dogging with the wife last night!

Never again!!

By the time she'd finished parking the car

everyone had fucked off!

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

 

Q: What's the difference between England and a Teabag?

A: A Teabag could stay in the cup for longer.

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

I told my mum I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

 

He asked why the house isn't clean since I'm home all day.

I asked why aren't we rich since you work all day.

Wife: Had your lunch?

Husband: Had your lunch?

Wife: I'm asking you.

Husband: I'm asking you.

Wife: You copying me?

Husband: You copying me?

Wife: Lets go shopping.

Husband: I had my lunch.

Little Johnny's "Bookish" Father

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

man's logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

 

Meant for Me

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

Relationships and A.A.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man

What do B1 and B2 remind you of?

 

Two funeral homes waiting for more bodies.