need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

Charlie Sheen...

Q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen take last January?

A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

 

Q: What's the title for the new sitcom starring Charlie Sheen & Lindsay Lohan?

A: Two and a Half Grams.

 

Q: How do you know you are playing a tennis match with Charlie Sheen?

A: Your opponent tries to snort the service line!

 

 

[Scotsman84]

Lady Gaga...

Q: What's the difference between Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga?

A: One has balls and it ain't Bieber.

 

Q: How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

A: Poke her face!

 

Q: Why is Lady Gaga a fan of the comic book hero " Wolverine "?

A: Because they are both Ex-Men!

[Scotsman84]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, " Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. " She's a horse's ass too." The customer at the end of the bar stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. " Damn it! " the man said, climbing back up to the bar. " This must be Clinton country! "

 

" Nope," the bartender replied. " Horse country! "

 

[Scotsman84]

Michael Jackson is walking out of the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says, " Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says, " At least wait till he is walking Michael!! "

 

 

[Scotsman84]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, " Where is Jesus today? " Steven raises his hand and says, " He's in heaven. " Mary answers, " He's in my heart. "

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, " He's in our bathroom! "

The surprised teacher asks Johnny how he knows this.

" Well," Little Johnny says, " Every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, " Jesus Christ, are you still in there?! "

[Pleasant]

A man is visiting his wife who sadly is in a coma in hospital.

The Doctor takes him to one side and says "We've tried everything but to no avail. But...."

"But what Doc?" The husband said

"Well....There is a very unorthodox technique. You go in there and have oral sex".

The husband was shocked.

"WHAT?!"

"Yes, i know, but it does work in some cases. It actually wakes the patient up"

The husband agrees, and goes back into the room.

 

 

2 minutes later he comes running out.

"Doc Doc, come quick - She's choking"

[mikeusa]

Little Johnny's Halloween

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

[mikeusa]

Professor's Mistake

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

[mikeusa]

Sex Without Involvement

I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.

[Scotsman84]

The teacher was asking the end of the day question that she asks every Friday. If the student got it right they would not have to come to school on Monday.

Little Johnny was determined to answer correctly.

So he painted two black marbles black and rolled them to the teachers feet.

All of a sudden she shouted out, " Who's the comedian with the black balls? ".

Johnny shouted out, " Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday suckers! ".

[Scotsman84]

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the school to tell her that Little Johnny was a big gambler.

She said that it was no problem and she had seen worse than that.

After his first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, " I think I broke his gambling ".

The father asked how and she said, " He bet me £5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money. "

" DAMN! " said the father.

" What's wrong? ", the teacher asked.

Little Johnny's father said, " This morning he bet me £100.00 he could see his teacher's butt before the day was over! "

[Scotsman84]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.

Man: " What are you doing here today?

Woman: " Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me £5 for it.

Man: " Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm. But they pay me £25. "

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again at the donation centre.

Man: " Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again? "

Woman: ( shaking her head with mouth closed ) " Unh unh. "

[Max 2017]

On 30/01/2017 at 12:02 AM, Scotsman84 said:

Lia and Mia..

Create an account to see this content!

They are back lol

[Servo]

52 minutes ago, Max 2017 said:

They are back lol

Panto season is almost upon us, and everyone knows a good panto has it's ugly sisters.

[delta10]

1 hour ago, Max 2017 said:

Lia & MIa

They are back lol

If only it was a joke ......