My wife and I really love bondage.

She loves it because she is a kinky bitch.

I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours.

 

 

Practical thought:

A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.

A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life....

Little Johnny... Nickels and Dimes

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.

"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"

The Only Thing I Like About Camping

The only thing I liked about camping was the fact that you can be drunk and have dirty feet, and you still had a pretty good chance of hooking up. That's a good vacation.

Little Johnny... Peanut

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

Erectile Dysfunction

Any man that's ever been in that position, like for some reason you can't function; it's kind of like trying to put a marshmallow in a coin slot.

Addict Girlfriend

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction... So, I put her in a car and I drove her downtown, and I pointed out a crack addict, and I said, 'Do you see that, honey? Why can't you be that skinny?'

How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

 

What's better than a cold bud?

A warm bush.

 

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

 

How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can't look down.

Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all

their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn't take it any longer.

 

Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong socks today.

 

What's the different between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every cunt's got one.

 

What do you do when your cat's dead?

Play with the neighbour's pussy instead.

Q: Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?

A: O.J's a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted can't drive over water and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

" What are you doing? " she asked.

" Hunting flies, " He responded.

" Oh, killing any? " she asked.

" Yep, three males, two females. " he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, how can you tell?

He responded, " Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

One day at the care home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says," I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

" Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, " You're 84 years old."

" That's amazing," the man says. " How did you know? "

" We celebrated your birthday yesterday."

There is a man that has three girlfriends, but doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one £5000 and see how each one of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, " I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man, " I bought these for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, " I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

 

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

What's the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?

At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining.

 

If you masturbate on a plane do they charge you with "Hi-jacking"?