need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

My wife and I really love bondage.

She loves it because she is a kinky bitch.

I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours.

 

 

Practical thought:

A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.

A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life....

[mikeusa]

Little Johnny... Nickels and Dimes

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

[mikeusa]

Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.

"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"

[mikeusa]

The Only Thing I Like About Camping

The only thing I liked about camping was the fact that you can be drunk and have dirty feet, and you still had a pretty good chance of hooking up. That's a good vacation.

[mikeusa]

Little Johnny... Peanut

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

[mikeusa]

Erectile Dysfunction

Any man that's ever been in that position, like for some reason you can't function; it's kind of like trying to put a marshmallow in a coin slot.

[mikeusa]

Addict Girlfriend

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction... So, I put her in a car and I drove her downtown, and I pointed out a crack addict, and I said, 'Do you see that, honey? Why can't you be that skinny?'

[Scotsman84]

How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

 

What's better than a cold bud?

A warm bush.

 

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

 

How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can't look down.

[Scotsman84]

Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all

their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn't take it any longer.

 

Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong socks today.

 

What's the different between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every cunt's got one.

 

What do you do when your cat's dead?

Play with the neighbour's pussy instead.

[Scotsman84]

Q: Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?

A: O.J's a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted can't drive over water and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

 

[Scotsman84]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

" What are you doing? " she asked.

" Hunting flies, " He responded.

" Oh, killing any? " she asked.

" Yep, three males, two females. " he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, how can you tell?

He responded, " Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

[Scotsman84]

One day at the care home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says," I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

" Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, " You're 84 years old."

" That's amazing," the man says. " How did you know? "

" We celebrated your birthday yesterday."

[Scotsman84]

There is a man that has three girlfriends, but doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one £5000 and see how each one of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, " I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man, " I bought these for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, " I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

 

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

[Max 2017]

What's the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?

At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining.

 

[Max 2017]

If you masturbate on a plane do they charge you with "Hi-jacking"?