need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Max 2017]

A man wakes up hard out of a deep sleep and nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we play it on, eh?"

She replies, "I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So I husband agrees and rolls back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "But you don't have any dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[Scotsman84]

A man goes to church and tells the priest, " Father, I almost cheated on my wife."

The priest asks him, " How do you almost cheat on your wife?"

The man says, " Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."

The priest looks at him disgusted and says, " Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say 5 Hail Mary's and put £100 in the donation pan."

The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated, " You didn't put £100 in the pan! "

The man looks at the priest disgusted and says, " I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."

[Scotsman84]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red headed mother are talking about their daughters. The brunette tells them, " I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! "

The red head said, " I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room, I couldn't believe it! "

The blonde says, " That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "

[Scotsman84]

A man goes to Japan on business and hires a prostitute for the night. He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, " Gama Su! Gama Su! ", Knowing she has been satisfied he does to bed.

The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, " Gama Su! Gama Su! "

Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, " What do you mean wrong hole? "

[Scotsman84]

A man walks up to a house and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door and the man shouts, " Do you have a vagina? " The woman slams the door in his face. He knocks again and asks the same question, this time she replies, " Go away! " This continues for hours.

The woman tells her husband about this and he decides to stay home the next day. Sure enough they see the man coming to the door. The husband hides and his wife answers the door. The man yells, " Do you have a vagina? " The woman answers Yes. Then the man tells her, " Does your husband know that? Maybe if he did he would stop using my wife's. "

[Scotsman84]

Two girls, one blonde and one brunette, are walking down the street and they see an attractive guy. They strike up a conversation with him and notice he has dandruff. After they part ways the brunette tells the blonde, " We should give him Head & Shoulders."

The blonde replies, " How do you give shoulders? "

[Scotsman84]

A female cop pulls over an old man and his wife. She asks the man for his license and registration. He asks his wife, " What did she say? "

 His wife replies, " She asked for your license and registration dear. " He hands the officer what she asked for.

The police woman then says, " Oh you're from New York? I used to have a lover from New York. But he was a terrible lover."

The man asks his wife, " What did she say? "

His wife replies, " She thinks she used to know you."

[Scotsman84]

A man walks into his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, " Your wife's results came back positive. I can't remember if it was AIDS or Alzheimer's though."

The man replies, " That's not very helpful. Can you just test her again? "

The doctor replies, " How about you leave her in the middle of a forest and if she finds her way home don't fuck her."

[Scotsman84]

A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, " It's going to cost you £1000 a bullet."

The man says, " What if you miss? "

The assassin replies, " I don't miss."

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, " I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off."

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, " Aren't you going to shoot? "

The assassin replies, " Hold up, I think I can save you £1000."

[Scotsman84]

Bubba died in a house fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, " Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, " Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, " Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, " No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, " How can you tell? " Gomer said, " Well, Bubba had two assholes." " What? He had two assholes??" said the mortician.

" Yup!, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town together, folks would say, ' Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

[Scotsman84]

" Hello, is this the FBI? "

" Yes, how can we help you sir?

" I'm calling to report my neighbour Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

" Thank you very much for the call sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open ever piece of wood, but can't  find any marijuana.

They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

Hey, Billy Bob did the FBI come? " said his best friend.

" Yeah! "

" Did they chop your firewood?" His best friend replied

" Yep."

" Happy Birthday, Buddy! ", his friend replied.

[Max 2017]

Triplets from China: Fu, Bu and Chu emigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become America citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu, called himself "Buck."

Chu called himself "Chuck."

Fu decided to return to China.

[Max 2017]

A man is making sweet love to his wife. He looks over to the doorway and sees that his son is watching. The boy runs off so the man tells his wife, "I should go talk to him."

The man goes to his son's room to find him nailing Grandma. The father yells, " What the fuck?"

The boy replies, "No so funny when it's your mum, now is it?"

[Max 2017]

A man and his son are walking down the road and see two dogs humping in a lawn. The son asks his dad, "Why are they doing that?"

Thinking quickly, the father replies, "The dog on top hurt his paw so the other one is helping him walk."

The kid replies, "Figures.... You try to help somebody and they just screw you."

[mikeusa]

Little Johnny... Know It All

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"