need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[mikeusa]

American Beer & Canoeing

Q: What do American beer and having sex in a canoe have in common?

A: They're both fucking close to water.

Edited November 8, 2017 by mikeusa
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[mikeusa]

Angry Girlfriend

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself -- which is a nice thing to do -- but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry -- that picture was just for dad.'

[Scotsman84]

Little Johnny asks his father for a £200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, " We have an £80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a £200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he is leaving.

Johnny says, " Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out, and mummy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and i'll be damned if i'll get stuck with an £80,000 mortgage! "

[Scotsman84]

A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, " Give me the fingers, and i'll see what I can do." The injured man replies, " But I don't have the fingers! "

" Why didn't you bring them? " the doctor asks.

The injured man responds, " Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

[Scotsman84]

This guy was walking down the street when he bumped into a really hot girl.

" Hello sexy! " He said while stopping in front of her, " What's your name? "

She didn't answer.

" Well my name is Barry! "

" Okay" she said, " Barry what?"

" I can't pronounce it, so i'll write it down."

So he wrote it down.

She read out allowed, " Madickenewe. Barry Madickenewe."

She slapped him and stormed off.

[Scotsman84]

Three friends decided to bet each other £100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day they meet up. The first friend says, " I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 and a half hours."

The second friend says, " That's nothing, I start licking my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming the whole time and half an hour after."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for 10 minutes, I came a couple of times I wiped my cock on the curtains and she is still screaming."

[Scotsman84]

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The teacher asked, " Johnny, what are you doing? "

Then, Johnny said. " It hurts down there."

" Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home ", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to class and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick hanging out his pants.

The teacher said, " Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants? "

Then Johnny said, " My mummy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

[Scotsman84]

Three woman are sitting and talking about the best soda pop based nicknames for their boyfriends. One girl says, " My boyfriend is like 7-up because he can keep it up all week."

The next girl says, " Oh yeah? My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew because he can do me on top of my mountains any day."

The last woman says, " You can call my boyfriend Jack Daniels."

Another girl protests, " You have to compare him to a pop. That's a hard liquor."

The last girl replies with a wink " Exactly."

[Scotsman84]

A little boy catches his dad looking at porn and asks him, " Dad, what's that between the guys legs? "

The father says, " That's his third leg."

Then the little boy asks, " What about that lady? "

The father says, " That's her second mouth."

The little boy thinks for a while and says, " Is that why guys walk so fast and women talk so much? "

[Scotsman84]

What gets bigger every time you watch your neighbour's wife undress?

The restraining order!

 

What's the difference between lesbians and children?

Children shouldn't run with scissors. Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs.

[Scotsman84]

A man goes to a restaurant and is seated by an extremely hot waitress. When she asks him for his order he replies, " I'll have a quickie." The waitress storms off angry.

After she regains composure she comes back and asks him once again what he would like. " He replies, " All I want is a quickie." She can't control herself this time and she slaps him.

A man sitting near him leans over and whispers, " Sir, I think it's pronounced ' Quiche' ".

[mikeusa]

Little Johnny... Playing Cards

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."

A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm playing cards."

"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.

His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

[mikeusa]

Friendly in Ireland

I don't know if you've ever been to Ireland. They are really the nicest people on the face of the earth. You do a show there, you walk into the pub in Ireland -- you have five best friends immediately. I walk into the bar, the first guy I see goes, 'Tell me something.' I'm like, 'Alright.' He goes, 'If you woke up in the morning and there were grass stains on your knees and a condom hanging out of your butt, would you tell anyone?' I'm like, 'Nope. I don't think so. No.' He goes, 'Would you like to go camping with me, laddy?'

[mikeusa]

Sorority Girls

I love college girls. The only girls I date in college, though, are sorority girls. Why? Because they're dumb. You can trick them so easy. 'I'm your boyfriend.' 'Oh my God! Let's have sex!'

[mikeusa]

Ba Ba Black Sheep

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."