We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out the blue she said, '' I've decided I want to be cremated.''

I said, " Awrite, get your coat."

A man finds a lamp, rubs it and a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have two wishes, but whatever he gets his mother-in-law will get double.

The man thinks for a while and says: First I would like a million pounds. Then beat me half to death. 

Drunk Cock Fight

This drunk man is taking a piss and starts to blame his dick for his life.

So he slapped it and says that's for getting my wife pregnant.

Then "Wack Wack Wack" slaps twice and that's for getting my girlfriend pregnant.

Then " Wack Wack Wack" and that is for pissing on me when I'm talking to you.

The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes!

Why is managing Chelsea like having an ungrateful girlfriend?

Because no matter how many times you come second, you still get dumped.

Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visiting the sperm bank in London.

Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.

A vampire walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can I have a cup of hot water?"

The barman says, "I thought you only drank blood."

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

 

What's the difference between a washing machine and a 16 yr old girl?

A washing machine does not follow you around for a fortnight saying it loves you after you've dumped your load in it.

 

What's the difference between a Chav girl and the Grand Old Duke of York?

The Grand Old Duke of York only had ten thousand men.

A woman gets in a taxi with her 8 year old kid. The taxi driver takes them through a red light district. The kid asks his mum, " Why are all those ladies standing shivering in the street? " Blushing his mum replies, " They're all waiting for taxis to take them to a party." Abdul the driver chips in, " Tell the kid the truth lady: they're all drug crazed hookers who get down for a dog if the price is right." The kid asks his mum, " Do these ladies have children? " The mum replies, " Yes dear, they grow up to be taxi drivers."

I was talking to this Essex lass the other day about our heritage and she was saying she had a bit of German, a bit of French, a bit of Spanish and a bit of English in her. I was quite amazed..... turned out she'd slept with the Arsenal squad.

I had a sex change last night.... I tried my left hand instead.

 

After a hard one night stand of fucking, a man is lying with a girl cuddled up in his arms. She starts gently stroking his cock and he asks her, " Are you still horny? "" No", she says, " I just really miss mine! "

My girlfriend asked me to indulge her in something a bit kinky last night. She said she had this rape fantasy that she'd always wanted to try out. Really regretting it now though. My arsehole hurts like fuck, and she says she'll kill my pet rabbit if I tell my parents.

A blind rabbit bumps into a blind snake. They agree to guess what each other are by touch. The snake says, " You have a fluffy tail, big pointy ears and buck teeth - you must be a rabbit." The rabbit replies. " You've got dry scaly skin, no lips, no ears, no hair, your eyebrows aren't there and you're hissing."

" Fuck me, you're that paki bomber from Glasgow airport! "

   For Sale.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.

Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. " Do you have reservations? " Inquires the receptionist. " Only one," replies the groom. " She won't take it up the arse."

 

I've been married 35 years and have never played away from home. It's much more exciting when there's a chance the missus might walk in.

I don't know what's wrong with young people these days - I was waiting at the bus stop the other day when a group of yobs across the road started shouting, " Oi, you wanker! " and " Oi, you dirty c++n ". Why can't they let me masturbate in peace?

This gay bloke tells his boyfriend that he has got a nice new tattoo on his arse as a special treat for him, so anyway he pulls his pants down and bends over to reveal Mike Tyson on the right cheek, and Lennox Lewis on the other, his boyfriend shrieks,

" Oh, my god, there's no way I'm getting into the ring with those two fuckers! "

Angus, a Scottish farmer was walking through his field and saw a man drinking from the stream. He shouts over, in Gaelic, " Hey, don't drink the water friend, the sheep have got the runs! "

The man turns around and says, " What did you say? I'm English, I don't speak your stupid language! " " Ach well!" shouts back the farmer. " I said " Use both hands, you'll be able to drink more of my wonderfully fresh stream!...