It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't piss on my shoes.

The best curve on a girl is her smile..... Naw just kidding, look at Dat Ass. 

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

I'll get you wetter than a Scottish summer.

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

Feminism is not a fad. It's not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds.

Oh my god, mega drama the other day. My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, her visa expired.

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows - it's a rocky road.

I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. I was the only thing between H and JK. 

I just had a near-sex experience.... My wife flashed before my eyes.

I don't think it's possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.

I'm as bored as a slut on her period.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, don't think she'd be a good secret agent. 

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I can imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils

Good women are found in every corner of the earth. Unfortunately earth is round.

Arguing with a women is like buying a lottery ticket. you know you're not going to win, but you're sure as hell gonna try.

I'm always Frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name.

I overdosed on Viagra once. The hardest day of my life.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I've never played the bagpipes, but I have carried a screaming 3 year old toddler over my shoulder.

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him.... With my bear hands.