The other day I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early. She told me I'd have to use the back door, but I'd have to be quick. On reflection I should have just left, but not every day you get an offer like that. 

Bob asked his wife if he was the only one she'd been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right. 

What did Trump say when asked how to respond to Hurricane Florence?

"Pay her the same as Stormy Daniels!" 

 

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump, but that's comparing apples to oranges.

 

Donald Trump was asked if he knew any Bible verses.

He replied, "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Deport him and you don't have to feed him again."

Trump 20:17 

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

A Catholic school for boys chartered a flight to Hawaii for a class trip. The boys and the priest chaperoning were enjoying the flight when the pilot summoned the priest up to the cockpit. The pilot explained that the plane is leaking fuel and they will not make it to any land, the other problem was that there were only two parachutes one for the pilot and one for the priest. The priest said "What about the boys?" the pilot said "Screw them". The priest said "You think I have enough time for that?"