mikeusa

Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home -- they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be looking at them like, 'Oh they're so cute. Let's go find one like that.'

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.

The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.

Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."

The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging a**hole you are!

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are  instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the  majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut,  have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

You may be a square, baby, but you're round in all the right places.

You seen white people goin, 'Oh, how ya doin', Bob? Ah, no I.D. with me today. No, I forgot my I.D. Just go ahead --$5,000.' Brothers be at the bank -- he's got his birth certificate, social security card, his lotto tickets, his pictures his kid drew, and they're still over in the back going, 'I don't think that's him. I'll tell you what, give him $28.'

My mom was the kind that'd send us to church but didn't go... She'd give us scripture and didn't even know it. She just made up books. ''Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.'

A friend of mine just died. He was 84 years old, died broke. At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless.' I don't know -- to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.

If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. I'd still be with her, but she's dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but she's dead.'

You're so stupid that you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.