mikeusa

My nephew's school was celebrating President's Day. He comes and he tells me, 'My little black friend's going to wear an Obama shirt, my little white friend's going to wear a Kennedy shirt and since I'm Latino I don't know what shirt to wear.' So I made him a shirt that said: Coming Soon.

I'm single now. And it's really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I've just been cheating.

You've been married to the women for 20 years. She don't use nothing but Dial soap. Her mama uses Dial soap. All seven of her sisters use Dial soap in their seven respective homes. You can go through purse, pocketbook, and find Dial coupons any given time of the day or night. Damn you if you come home smelling like Zest!

My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: 'We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.' 'Why? I'm not paying you -- my parents are! Come here!'

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

There was a white running back that was five votes away from winning the Heisman and white people didn't even give a sh*t. He was your Jackie Robinson -- a white running back. That's like finding a white rhino or something, you ain't never seen that. And his name was Toby, how beautiful is that? If somebody had told you two years ago that the best running back in the country's going to be a white dude and the president was going to be black -- you'd be at work like, 'Yo, they drug test here.'

Girls should come with that little card. Remember you were at school you used to go to the library to check out a book? And that little card used to tell you how many people checked that book out. All I'm saying is: some girls come with two cards. She's a bestseller.

God came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Well, give me the good news first," Adam replied.

"I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet."

Adam exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

"The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "Of course not."

After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"

I was on one of those websites where you upload your picture to the website and it uses face matching technology to find your closest celebrity match. My friend, who's a guy, got Angelina Jolie. I like this technology; he's a guy, he got a girl, I'm going to get a funny celebrity, too. My celebrity look-alike was Anne Frank...Anybody else think Anne Frank maybe shouldn't be on the list of celebs you can get on the site? It should be a light, fun game that you play while you're screwing around on the Internet at work. Not something that immediately references the Holocaust.

My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, 'Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't got to wear nothing?' I told her, 'Babe, I wear my sad face every day.'

I like a big butt, though. I like a butt so big you can sit a clock radio and a drink on it.

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school. When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher. Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said, “Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?”