mikeusa

My wife dresses up like a nurse; then, I dress up like a nurse, also. And then, we don't even have sex, either -- we just sit behind this huge, semicircular wooden desk and get annoyed when people buzz us for juice.

I love Asian women. I had an Asian girlfriend once -- for an hour. It cost me $150 bucks.

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."

Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either.

I sent away for a penis enlarger. They sent me back a magnifying glass.

Q: Why did the mirror have holes in it?

A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself.

When it comes to sex, I like to refer to my wife as Circuit City because she has no interest until January of next year.

Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I'd be like, 'Lady, get the hell away from me! You're old, you're gross -- I'm sorry. I'm sure you were unbelievable back in the 20s, when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you're at least four decades past humpable. I'm sorry.'

A woman tells her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor asks her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"

She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."