mikeusa

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."

I tried to stop the first day or two of our marriage, and I promise you, my nuts ballooned quicker than Oprah in a Krispy Kreme.

Marriage? Sure. Dabbled in it a little during the late 80s. Wild stuff, brother, wild stuff.

Went to the beach today. I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.

I promise to love, honor and cherish you -- for about two days a month.

A blond man and a brunette woman were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital, and she gave birth to two baby boys.

The blond man turned to his wife and yelled, "All right, who's the other father?"

A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.

"What happened, my child?"

"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."

"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"

"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."

A blonde who really needed a job saw an ad in the newspaper for an opening job at an Elmo factory. She applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.

The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she really needed the money. Finally the manager hired her.

After a few hours, the manager noticed that the conveyer belt was backed up. He went downstairs to find out what was wrong.

He saw that the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager told her, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles -- not two testicles!"