King Hamlet

What a Bellend.. lol

She is always there.. lol

Bet the women there are happy.. lol

Where Paul disappears too.. lol

A guy and a dog are sitting at a bar. Dog says to the guy, you think your wifes a bitch!
My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.
If a guy remembers the colour of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes Go In First!
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
What's the difference of Deer nuts and Beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.75, but Deer nuts are under a buck.

My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is most importantly, too naïve to know she's way out of my league..
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A blonde said, " I was worried that my mechanic might try and rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid. "

Boobs are proof men can concentrate on 2 things at once.

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
" Really? " she said. " Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to loose patience.
" Come on," she demanded, " What day was I born? "
" Yesterday! " I replied.

I was in hospital visiting my wife after her operation when the nurse suggested it might help if I adjusted my wife's pillows to make it more comfortable.
She wasn't wrong.
Taking my wife's two pillows and putting them on my chair was a lot more comfortable

A lady went for a routine physical examination at the doctor's office.
The nurse handed her a urine specimen container and said, " The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes."
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
She said to the nurse, " Thanks, but they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, " Boy, this economy sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass! "
Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
" That's ok," the blonde replied, " I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car! "

A young reporter was having trouble finishing his byline.
The editor specifically told him that they can't print the words breast or boobs.
The young reporter thought long and hard.
Finally he handed the editor the following report.
" Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . Y . ) "

A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
" That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better everyday. Then you get kicked out for being to healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, then.. you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then.. You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, " I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, " Ok, but don't do in that field over there." as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! " Reaching into his rear pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. " See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand?!!
The rancher nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull... with every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... " Your badge, show him your BADGE!! "

Elaine Dickinson: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking.. we regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to be alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight.... By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
 
Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?
 
Airplane!

"Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place." (City Slickers)

"Are you crying? There's no crying! There's no crying in baseball!"
A League of Their Own (1992) 

Dumb and Dumber.                 Lloyd Christmas: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
 
                                                   Mary Swanson: How'd you guess?
 
                                                   Lloyd Christmas: I saw your luggage. Then when i noticed the airline ticket, i put 2 and 2 together. Lol

Think most of us know the answer to that. LOL

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.
The first one says, "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal."
The second says,  "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six."
Little Johnny starts laughing and says, "My daddy can eat light bulbs."
The other two boys tell Johnny he is out of his mind.
They ask him why he thinks his daddy can eat light bulbs.
Little Johnny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my daddy said,
"Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing."

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took this picture?"

Ask a Stupid Question
My mother always told me, 'Boy, if somebody asks you a stupid question, you give them a stupid answer.' The cops walked up to my car, 'Would you like to step out of the car?' I said, 'Hell no, it's hot! I got the air conditioner on. How about you hop your ass in here with me?'