Danny

Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... ( Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RVs toilet )
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. It's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within 10 yards of it.
 
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Elaine Dickinson: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking.. we regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to be alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight.... By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
 
Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?
 
Airplane!

"Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention."  (Dumb and Dumber)

Dumb and Dumber.                 Lloyd Christmas: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
 
                                                   Mary Swanson: How'd you guess?
 
                                                   Lloyd Christmas: I saw your luggage. Then when i noticed the airline ticket, i put 2 and 2 together. Lol

from the movie PLANES, TRAINS and AUTOMOBILES with Steve Martin as Neal and the late John Candy as Del (who was a fellow Canadian)
 
[at the car rental agency, after Neal finds the rental car he was assigned is not in the expected spot]
 
Car Rental Agent: Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?
Neal: [indignantly] Yes.
Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks. Then you can give me a fucking automobile. A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick ” 4 fucking wheels and a seat!
Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car right fucking now.
Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Agent: Oh, boy.
Neal: "Oh, boy" what?
Agent: You're fucked.     
 
This great funny movie still makes me piss myself laughing so fucking hard with fucking tears. Steve Martin and John Candy were dynamic together and bounced things off each other so well. I totally recommend watching this movie if you haven't. It is a fucking classic (sorry - no sex - just non stop laughs).