Scotsman84

@Alittle and @teacups

An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness Monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted " God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed, " You say you don't believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said, " Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while he would hear internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: " Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let it go Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: " Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"

A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar, the friends ask why he is late and he responds: " Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and I suddenly see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks." The friends are curious and ask, " Well, what happened next?" The guy says, " Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her." The friends are cheering and one friend asks, " Soo.... did you get any head? " The guy says, " No, I couldn't find it...."

The policeman had a bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own. Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes. Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten in their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot. Finally he got his car started and began to slowly drive away. Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he agreed. When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, " How can this be?" To which the man replied, " Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

While proudly showing of his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. " What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. " Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. " How does it work?" " Watch", the man said, giving it an ear - shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, " For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

Roxyrolla.