box_hunter

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. "Yes?" asks St. Peter. "I am here for Jesus" says the Pakistani. St Peter turns around and shouts "Jesus, your taxi's here!"

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today". The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me". As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says "I would like to buy you a drink, too". The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water". "Coming up" says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says "I would like to buy you one, too". The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water". "Coming right up" the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... holding your water, however, is a whole other issue".

There is a medical conference at the local hospital and many doctors are invited. During the conference a man spots a super sexy and fit female doctor. After the conference he goes up to her and "Asks do you want to go out for a drink?" "Yes please" she said. Before they settle down for the drink the woman says "I must wash my Hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they drink their drinks. Next they go for a meal. Before they eat the woman says "I must go and wash my hands". So she washes her hands and she comes back and they have their meal. When they return home they realise they are really turned on by each other and they give in to their throbbing urges and decide to have sex. But before they have sex the women says again "I must go and wash my hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they have sex. After they have had sex the man says to the woman "You are a surgeon, aren't you". "Yes" she replies "how do you know that". "Well" he says "you are always going and washing your hands". Then the women says to the man "you are an anaesthetist aren't you". "Yes" he says "how do you know that?" "Well" she says "because I did not feel a prick!"

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book" she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area" he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading". "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up". "For reading a book?" she replies. "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area" he informs her again, "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up". "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you" says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment". "Have a nice day ma'am" and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everything but my earrings".

A professor is lecturing a class and says "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc". A blonde girl responds with "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?" The professor says "Well, sweety, that's because you don't have taste buds in the back of your throat".

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say "That can't be!" He replies "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"

As I was getting in bed, she said "You're drunk". I said "How do you know?" She said "You live next door".

Great savings at this store

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM Ahhh, the class clown, but an intelligent one. This kid will be a success don't you think? I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humour. Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? *His last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? *At the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? *Liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? *Marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? *Exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? *Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple? *The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? *Wet Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? *No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *You will never find an elephant that has one hand. Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *Very large hands. Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? *No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

A young girl comes home one day and approaches her father, who is sitting in the living room. "Daddy" she says "a strange man did something bad to me at the park today". The father, suddenly very attentive, turns to face his daughter. "Oh, god... okay, sweetie, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn't your fault, and you will not get in trouble for telling me about it. Can you explain what happened?" "Well" the girl begins "I was playing in the sand, when the man came up to me and told me to come with him behind a tree". "Oh, god" mutters the father. "Then what?" "Then he pulled down his pants and showed me his thing". "Oh, god!" the father exclaims. "What happened next?" "Then" the girl continues "he pulled up my dress and touched me on my underwear". "Oh, god!" shouts the father. "Sweetie, what happened after that?" The girl answers with a shrug. "Nothing. That was it". "Well, make something up! I haven't finished yet!"

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00" he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall".

MIND-BLOWING FACTS ABOUT EVERYTHING -The silkworm consumes 86,000 times its own weight in 56 days. -Mukesh Ambani, India's richest person lives with his family of 4 in a 27-floor personal home and has a full-time staff of 600 who maintains the residence. -The first American film to show a toilet being flushed on screen was Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. -Marie Curie's work is still radioactive enough to make you sick. You must sign a disclaimer to view them. -Male elephants sometimes use their penis as a 5th limb. -Women blink nearly twice as much as men. -Men can read smaller print then women can; women can hear better. -The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. -If removed from the stress of the modern world, the average human would sleep about 10 hours a day. -"Dysania" is the state of finding it hard to get out of the bed in the morning. -Melting glaciers and icebergs make a distinctive fizzing noise known as "bergy seltzer". -Cleopatra lived closer to the Moon landing the building of the Great Pyramid. -The brain named itself. -The average human blinks their eyes 6,205,000 times each year. -The US state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska -Shakespeare wrote the first knock-knock joke. -To produce a single pound of honey, a single bee would have to visit 2 million flowers. -Half of the humans ever to live have died from malaria. -There is a glacier called "Blood Falls" in Antarctica that regularly pours out red liquid, making it look like the ice is bleeding. It's actually oxidised salty water. -The entire length of all the eyelashes shed by a human in their life is over 98 feet (30 m). -Mozart wrote a canon entitled "Leck mich im Arsch" which translates as "Lick me in the arse". -White skin originated only 6,000-12,000 years ago, prior to which all humans were black. -The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 -Charlie Chaplin's remains were stolen and held for ransom. -A colony of 500 bats can eat approximately 250,000 insects in an hour. -When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. -In 2008 scientists discovered a new species of bacteria that lives in hairspray. -In China, rich people can hire body doubles to serve their prison time. -Cleopatra lived closer in time to the Moon landing than to the construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza. -Fold a piece of paper in half 103 times and it will be as thick as the universe. -Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. -Men's shirts have the buttons on the right while women's shirts have the buttons on the left. -One in five adults believe that aliens are hiding in our planet disguised as humans. -Babies are colour blind when they are born. -The top of the Eiffel Tower leans away from the sun, as the metal facing the sun heats up and expands. It can move as much as 7 inches. -High heels were originally made for men. Butchers wore them so they wouldn't step in blood. -It can take a photon 40,000 years to travel from the core of the sun to the surface, but only 8 minutes to travel the rest of the way to earth. -If there was no space between the atoms on Earth it would be the size of a regular baseball. -The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. -The average human heart will beat 3,000 million times in its lifetime and pump 48 million gallons of blood. -Travelling masseuses in ancient Japan were required by law to be blind. -Mondays are the most unproductive days of the week. Only about 3 and a half hours of work are actually done on Mondays. -Lt. Col. "Mad" Jack Churchill was only British soldier in WWII known to have killed an enemy soldier with a longbow. "Mad Jack" insisted on going into battle armed with both a medieval bow and a claymore sword. -Ireland's population is still 2M less than it was before the potato famine. -It would take 1,200,000 mosquitoes, each sucking once, to completely drain the average human of blood. -In one hour, your heart works hard enough to produce the equivalent energy to raise almost 1 ton of weight 1 yard off the ground. -The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. -On the planets Uranus and Neptune, it regularly rains diamonds. -The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in court. -If done perfectly, any Rubik's Cube combination can be solved in 17 turns! -Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts -A banana is a berry and a strawberry isn't. - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar. -Human blood travels 60,000 miles (96,540 km) per day on its journey through the body. -James Fixx, the man who popularised jogging in America died of a heart attack while running. -All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. -The longest musical performance in history is currently taking place in the church of St. Burchardi in Halberstadt, Germany. The performance of John Cage's "Organ²/ASLSP (As Slow As Possible)" started on Sept. 5, 2001, and is set to finish in 2640. The last time the note changed was October 2013; the next change isn't due until 2020. -Nelson Mandela wasn't removed from the U.S. terror watch-list until 2008. -A small percentage of the static you see on "dead" TV stations is left over radiation from the Big Bang. You're seeing residual effects of the Universe's creation. -Blood accounts for about 8% of a human's body weight. -Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace. -Enough sperm to form an object slightly larger than an aspirin tablet would actually be sufficient to give Earth its present population. -The average American spends about a year and a half of his or her life watching commercials on television. -Jimmy Carter sent a jacket to the cleaners with nuclear launch codes and secrets in the pocket. -There's an opera house on the U.S.-Canada border where the stage is in one country and half the audience is in another. -On average, men produce about 10 million new sperm daily. That's enough to repopulate the entire planet in 6 months. -A broken clock is right two times a day. -Listening to sarcastic people daily will make you more creative. -Written language was invented independently by the Egyptians, Sumerians, Chinese and Mayans. -Quentin Tarantino played an Elvis impersonator in the Golden Girls. -If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand. -The oldest known recipe for beer is over 4,000 years old.

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury. Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks. The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the afternoon headline. It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.

"Your generation is too reliant on technology" said my grandpa. "No, your generation is too reliant on technology" I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.

A Mexican, white guy, and a black guy all go to hell. They run into the devil soon enough who tells them that if they can walk across his hand without burning in flames, then he will give them a second life on earth. The white guy was really confident... first step though, he caught on fire and disappeared. The Mexican, nervously took his first step and noticed that he wasn't dead, he took a couple more steps but then quickly caught on fire and disappeared. The black guy started walking and made it all the way across without burning to flames. Satan was shocked and asked him how he did it and the black guy replied "chocolate melts in your mouth not your hands"

So there is this boy who has a speaking disability. One day he goes down to the bakery and asks for a bum, the person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bun?" The boy replies with "Yeah yeah whatever". He then decides to go down to the hardware store and asks for "A fuck it" The person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bucket?" The boy replies with "Yeah yeah whatever". He then goes to the pet store to get a dog. He asks for a "Cock and spank it". The lady at the counter replies "Don't you mean a cocker spaniel?" He replies with "Yeah yeah whatever". That afternoon he loses his dog, he goes up to a random woman and says "Can you please hold my bum and fuck it while I go find my cock and spank it?"

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects" the medic said "I could give it a try". Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?" "Change of plans" The physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!".

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says "Open the vault, bitch!" The woman says "Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here!" The man says "Open the vault RIGHT NOW or I'm going to blow your fucking head off!!" She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said "Take out one of those jars". The woman says "Please sir, I promise you we don't have any money here. This is a sperm bank". The man said "Take out one of those jars right now or I'll blow your fucking head off'. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said "Take lid off and swallow it". She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying "Sir, this is sperm. Please, I'm not drinking sperm. We don't have any money here. Please leave". The man says "Take the lid off and drink it or I'll blow your fucking head off!" So the woman takes off the lid and downs it no problem, then turns to look back at the man. To her amazement he whips off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said "See! It's not that fucking difficult is it?!"

FACTS ABOUT SEX -About 33% of Americans get injured during sex. Injuries include bruises, pulled muscles, sprained ankles, and carpet burns. -Don't hold your breath during sex: the more oxygen that gets to your genitals, the more aroused you'll be. -Fourteen per cent of women have experienced a "zone orgasm" which happens when a part of the body other than the boobs or vagina is stimulated. -Morning wood isn't because guys want sex. Blood flows to his penis when he's asleep, causing an erection. -Penises used to have spines. Luckily, they evolved out before Neanderthals and modern humans diverged. -You don't need your brain to ejaculate. The order to ejaculate comes from the spinal cord, not the brain. -You're most likely to get distracted during sex at the two- to three-minute mark. -Women who are prone to migraines are should have more sex. Why? Because orgasms can help alleviate the pain of a migraine. -During World War I, members of the British Secret Intelligence Service (MI6) discovered you could use semen as invisible ink. They stopped using it after they realised how badly it smelled when it got old. -Sprinkling salt on your tongue before oral may help lessen your gag reflex. -When you are aroused and prepped for sexual intercourse, you are actually less likely to be grossed out by anything that happens. -The nerve endings in the clitoris extend out to where the pubic hair grows, which is why grinding (dry humping) feels so good. - Want the ultimate orgasm? Abstain from any sexual activity at all for three weeks. That's the amount of time it takes for your testosterone levels to peak and boost your libido. -Orgasms, along with sneezes, cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started because they are physiological responses to an event. -There's an average of 280 million sperm in every male ejaculation. It's the exact same number for rabbits.

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in three words". The guy replies "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly "Paint... my... house".

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he asks nervously. "No, silly" she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then...?" "No, not at all" she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so sexy when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is it then!?" he demands. She gently whispers in his ear "That use to be me..."

I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I changed my Facebook status: "I can't wait to get to Las Vegas and spend all my money on the sluts". My wife commented "You spelt 'slots' wrong. Silly xxx". That's why I married a blonde.

Man say to his wife: "I have a problem at work..." Wife: "Hun, now that we're married, you don't say you have a problem you say we have a problem". Man: "Okay, we've knocked up our secretary..."

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER, EVER HEAR A WOMEN SAY "You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me". "I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!" "This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gangbang". "Don't get up, I like sleeping in the wet spot". "Don't dirty up your t-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse". "That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?" "I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy". "You're my daddy, you're my daddy!" "The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for on Friday". "Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!" "While you were in the bathroom, Eagles kicked another goal. You're tipping is looking good this week!" "Bar food again!? Kick ass!" "I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class". "That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her". "I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more". "I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day!" "Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore". "I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?" "It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers". "Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!" "I hate spending money on stupid shit we don't need". "My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends". "I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again". "Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch". "You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!" "You are so much smarter than my dad". "If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter". "I'll swallow it all. I love the taste". "What do you mean today's our anniversary?" "Are you sure you've had enough to drink?" "Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV". "I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you". "Ohh, this diamond is way too big!" "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your mates?" "... and for our honeymoon we're going on a fishing trip!" "You're so sexy when you're hungover". "Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'". "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?" "Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there". "Let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses". "Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here". "I'll be outside mowing the lawn". "I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress". "I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too". "Honey, the neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again - come see!" "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?" "You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings". "Man... if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"