box_hunter

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money".

I was in a pub recently and I told that joke about what to do when an epileptic has a fit in a bath - throw the washing in. Well, everyone pretty much cracked up, except this one guy, who said his brother was an epileptic and died in a bathtub. Feeling pretty bad about the joke I just told, I said "Geez, I'm so sorry mate, how did he die?" To which the guy answered "He choked to death on a sock".

I was in a pub last night and there was this fat bird dancing on one of the tables. "Nice legs!" I said, to which she replied with a shy smile "Really? Thank you so much!" To which I said "Yeah, any other table's legs would have snapped or collapsed by now".

Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's".

"It's about time I told you an important thing" I said to my 15 year old son. "What is it dad?" he asked. "You were adopted" I murmured. "That's impossible!" he exclaimed "We look the same". "Well" I replied "That's because we are fucking Chinese".

What is the difference between Russia and reality? Trump has connections with Russia.

SOME THOUGHTS ON GETTING OLDER -I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice. -Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? My sense of decency. -I consider 'on trend' to be the clothes that still fit. -Pulling n 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. -Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. -I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off. -The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. -My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work. -When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. -The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it". -Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. -Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. -These days "on time" is when I get there. -I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. -'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today. -Even duct tape can't fix stupid. but it sure does muffle the sound. -You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. -Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller? -One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young. -You're more likely to get cautioned by the doctor instead of by the police. -Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me. -One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. -'Getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there. -I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. -When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation. -Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me - I want people to know 'why' I look this way. - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed. -I thought growing old would take longer. -Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up. -I still haven't learned to act my age. -You're not sure if these are facts or jokes. -I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

My favorite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied with a laugh. "No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open"

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models". The old lady then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds "Yes we do". She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper said "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The driver looked at the trooper and said "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat?" The trooper said. "Yes". "That's my wife" the driver said to the trooper. "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat?" The trooper said "Yes". "That's my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up!!" The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.

I totally agree. As much as we bitch about rlc you do have to give them props for spending the money on quality equipment so we don't have to put up with the buffering every couple of minutes and shit quality of the video feeds.

http://www.orsm.net/i/gallery/pictures/random-shite-2017-07-27~82676.html http://www.orsm.net/i/gallery/pictures/random-shite-2017-07-27~82697.html http://www.orsm.net/i/gallery/pictures/random-shite-2017-07-27~82705.html

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa". The father asked "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do". The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma". The next day the grandmother died. "Holy Moly, thought the father "this kid is in contact with the other side!" Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy". He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life". She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her "I love a woman that does aerobics". The woman replies angrily "I don't DO aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

http://www.orsm.us/v/update20170713/g20-protesters-play-a-friendly-game-of-tic-tac-toe-with-police.mp4#.WW8HO1E3XIW

Someone at that movie has had some fun.......

Clean up isle 5..

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there". A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes". 'Unbelievable' the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man". "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork". The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli". Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man". Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you". The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?" The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummelled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face". The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye? "Turns out we watch different movies".